So i have had some therapy for the last 8 weeks and have just started hypnoanalysis. I think I finally know what the cause is behind everything

When I was four my cousin died of cot death. A month later my youngest sister was born. Everyone was very tense, especially my mother because it was her sisters baby that died. My sister was given a special monitor that detected the movement of her chest and would go off if it stopped moving for a certain amount of time. To a four year old I guess this would have been a lot to take in. There was not the excitment of having a new baby, just fear and tension. (to my holder sister, she had already gone through having a sibling so it didnt effect her in the same way). my mum told me recently two things. One, that the monitor went off a couple of times so her and Dad were very  panicy and scared. Two, that she had a friend take me to playgrounp for that term and look after me. As a four year old I took that the wrong way and felt like rejection from my mother. I had been pushed a side. (I AM NOT BLAMNING MY MOTHER, just the situation).

SInce then I have had a fear of rejection. It all ties in with my OCD. everytime that has manifested itself  into something it has been after being rejected. Like when my first boyfriend broke up with me, or when my so called friends decided they hated me. In fact the first time I was diagnosed with OCD was in the final year of Secondary School where I was doing different subjects from all my friends so was seperated from them and would spend most of my day alone.

I think the OCD developing was a way of making sure that my Mum had to pay attention to me. Not that I think it is just about attention but that meant that my Mum couldnt ignore me. I trust my Mum's judgement more than my own. She is the one that I ask if I look Sick, she is the one that I ask if I have touched something, she is the one that I ask if everything is going to be ok. If she is not there I will ask my boyfriend, dad or sisters but my Mum is the only one who can calm me down. If I ask one of the others I will ask her again when I see her and its not till then that I can settle down.

I developed a bad case of emetophobia (fear of sick) when I was 16. This was after I saw a boy be sick in front of me in a restaurant on holiday. I had gone on holiday for a rest after some bad times at home. My first love had just cheated on me and we almost broke up and my 'friends' that I mentioned above had just stopped talking to me. My believe is that I was in such an emotional state that when I saw the boy be sick (something I already had a large problem with but not so it effected my life) I couldnt cope and the fear manisfested itself as Emet.

Right so now I have worked out what causes it and know that the link is my Mum. How do I overcome it? How do I make myself trust myself and know that my Mum is there for me even without the OCD?

Oh I just thought, I also get very jealous of my sisters when my Mum is doing something for/with them. I know this is childish but I can't  help it. Again it all ties in.


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