I don’t know why god or whoever is controlling this sick sick place decided to blow up my life. Whoever they are, decided to have my dad lose his shit this week. He started yelling at me about how it was my choice to get molested and about how i had hurt myself for attention but he thinks im too weak to take it any further. About how he knows my mom and i dont want him in the house anymore but we’d be lost without him here to protect us. He is delusional if he thinks we are better off with him than without him. What suck the most is that my little brother loves him and always tries to take his side whenever anyone argues with him.

Ever since his little meltdown, hes been treating me like he wants nothing to do with me unless it include me washing dishes or cleaning. My mum won’t do anything about it even though he went off on her too. Telling her that everything that happened to me and my brother was her fault and that she’s lucky he is letting her live in this house with his family. Even though i’ve hated him for a long time, the way he just, glares at me and brushes past me all day makes me feel even worse.

And on top of all of that, i feel alone in every aspect of my life. I don’t trust my parents whatsoever. My friends…wait…what friends? Now the people here are all so different, and i feel really out of place everywhere honestly. I feel okay writing this because it kinda feels like im talking to myself, but once it’s posted (now i guess) it will feel different. I’ve gotten offers from a few people to help me run away, wich is something i’ve been thinking on for a while, but i think im a bit scared.

I keep hoping…maybe i can find a way to fix it all. maybe i can fix myself. maybe i can stop shaking. maybe the pain in my chest when i breathe is because i worked out too hard. maybe my mom will come to her senses today. maybe i should just stay for one more day, and some one will swoop in and save me. maybe someone will realize how much im hurting. maybe someone will notice how often i talk about death. maybe slitting my wrists isn’t such a good idea.

but all of those maybe’s aren’t turning out to be true.

im lost. im confused. im cold. and im really alone. there’s only one person giving me what i need. and if i cant get to her somehow soon…i might really lose it all and say bye for the last time…