ive recently been doing alot of thinking about my future and its kinda freaking me out i was always told to take one day at a time but finding out my friend i went to school with is pregnant it got me thinking about what i want she moved away 10years ago and the plan was i was too go with her but then things happend i developed anxiety and i stayed now shes married and expecting, i cant help comparing myself to her and its making me feel like a failure i havent had a relationship for awhile due to past experiences which was only made worse by picking the worst bf ever i know not all men are the same but i have defo put a brick wall up which added to the fact i have bad social anxiety doesnt make for an easy life. but i always expected i would have children and so on but i feel im between a rock and a hard place particually as i get older not only do i have to let me guard down on the relationship side which is very hard i also have to contend with social worry it feels overwhelming. i keep trying the little steps everyone says and of course they will build up to getting what i want but how long.

i cant stand what other people might think of me i know the reasons im like this and that its an illness like any other but its not like a broken arm where people can see it and understand it easier, i hate the thought of people thinking im mad or strange or a stupid failure i know theres no set path for any of us that says by this age you should have done this or be a certain way but i think theres certain things people expect a person to have to be considered normal.

and there you go again with me its what "these people" think i dont know who they are but i care so much about there opinions or is it what i think of myself i dont know, things seem to jummble together.

i know there are many people out there who suffer from this illness and i think everyone of them are strong people having to battle with this and i include myself in there but sometimes i wish i didnt have to battle all the time i wish i was on the otherside looking in.