feeling better but still avoiding things I should be doing ie.. finding a job the recent job lost a month ago has left me low in hope and low in self esteem I have become so lazy and just spend my time watching tv eatting and just plan doing nothing I worked at a factory and feel I was horibly miss treated it is dominately male I now they are very anti female my boss was a major asshole nothing I ever did was good enough I was made to feel stupid on a regular basis of course he has upper manegment in his back pocket as he kisses the right ass I know I must get a job I just am afraid of failure again I do no kiss butt I say what I want and what I feel which doesn’t get me any where.I lost another job 2 yrs ago for something I said to someone my mouth gets me in trouble. I am scared angry and tired of failure. losing my job meant losing my insurance which meant I could no  longer aford effexxor so I just stopped taken anything I calle the dr he has put me on Celyxa 2 days ago I am hoping it helps xanax  twice a day helps but it isn’t enough by its self. I hate getting out  laziness has really set in I know I am in a rut I am over weight somedays I never get out of the sweats I slept in hence no bathing good grief thats bad putting it in words kind of brings it home a little I don.t clean house or do laundy not much anyway I have cooked some but not like you wouldthink someone who has nothing to do would I haven’t thouight of suicide much in the last 2 days not pretaining to me anyway so I guess thats an improvement. I am unhappy in my marriage he really isn’t a bad guy I just am not in love with him we have only been married scince Aug. I know thats just plan nuts……why did I marry him I guess because I thought or think it was or is Gods plan for me, we dated 9 yrs ago and I thought then we were suppose to be together so natuarly when we started dating again after 7 yrs I thought it was God. I am not sure if it is just my out of whack hormones I am in the midst of menopause I haven’t had my monthly for 6 months I have been going through menopause for atleast the last 5 yrs this is the longest I have gone so far they say full on menopause is reached after a year of not having your periods any way thats that being mentaly ill and menopausle isn’t a good combo I have sufered from depression forever well  I can look back in my life and realize I was around 12 when I had episodes of depression.I must go wash the weeks worth of dirty dishes now.