I hate writting about how i'm feeling and whats the point. But I don't want to make others feel worse.I usually come on here to help others, although I havent done that in a while.

I need help, I cry out for help to my partner, and he does his best but I feel no better. I just want to die. I'm sick of this cycle of misery.

I've applied to find my birth parents. I'm hoping it will help but I'm also acutely aware of how emotional good or bad it will be. I have one question for them…Why did you give me up?

The funny thing is, my adoptive parents (the ones I love and cherish) are the ones keeping me alive. I couldn't stand the heartbreak I would cause them.

My dad has gone into remission with his apparent 'terminal' brain tumor, then he has a heart attack. He's all good at the moment. He is having a brain scan in a couple of weeks to see if its still gone. He's been cancer free six months. He's beaten all that but I think it would kill him if I were to take my own life.

I try, I try, I try. I try to do things to make things better. I'm seeing a psychologist. I'm taking anti anxiety meds, I'm learning guitar. I'm trying to stay connected with my family and my friends. But I have very few moments when I feel mentally ok to try and connect. I've sorted out my financial situation. I'm trying to save for a holiday but……..

LIFE seems to be very small pockets of happiness with misery filling the rest.

i try to be positive, I try to the right thing by others and myself.

My strength seems to have gone. I find it every now and again. But its not enough.

I don't want to live but I cant die..