I’ve never written "happy" before at the top of one of these.  Since I came to D-Tribe, things have been pretty dark for me.  But, something’s changed.  I can’t really explain it, and I doubt I’ll continuously feel this good (emotionally, anyway – physically I still have some issues). 

I feel like I can do this.  For the first time, since this mess started, I feel like I can get through it.  And, that’s so amazing.  I just need to keep my head together.  My mind is running in a hundred directions, right now.  Am I manic?  I don’t think so, but my mind is all over the place.

I occasionally worry about being good company, because I’m not at the top of my game, psychologically, right now.  I feel like I can’t be as much fun to talk to, at present.  At this point, I know I’m going to make it through tonight, and I’m not the least bit freaked out about staring that down.  I know messing up has strengthened my resolve, because I never want to let myself (or the people who’ve been there for me) down like that again.  I certainly don’t want to disappoint (or hurt) Ace.  He’s really been there for me.  He’s been a better friend than I could’ve hoped for.  I think we just happened to stumble upon each other,when we both really needed a friend.  And, lately, he’s been helping me through this thing – chatting with me, during the hardest part of the night, when I’d usually cop, and calling me on the phone to check up on me – I never could’ve done this on my own.  I tried, and tried.  It’s too much for one person to carry. 

People have often used that argument (you can’t do this alone), to recommend 12 Step programs to me.  But, I’ve never been able to settle into the whole 12 step deal (it just doesn’t work for me – it’s not like I didn’t really give it a whirl, there’s just a lot od incompatibility there).  I won’t get into my personal issues with 12 steps b/c it’s not really relevant.  And, I don’t want to offend anyone who’s been helped by those programs – I have every respect for the groups, and those who attend, and I think it’s great that people are able to save their lives that way, or any other way, but it just isn’t for me.      

Some things that make sense to me about twelve step programs:

1.  Comradery – everyone needs someone to turn to when they’re going through this.  My friends who live near me are great, but I don’t think they ever really understood how much it really takes to help someone get through something like this.  You really have to be on-call, and it’s not something everyone can handle.  I’ve been lucky enough to find a friend who fills this role better than any sponsor or 12 Step buddy I’ve ever met.

2.  A process of recreating your life – it makes sense to me that you have to make radical changes to avoid falling back into the same old sh*t.  I don’t know what those changes will entail, yet, for me.  I have some ideas, but I’ll probably write a separate blog about that, tomorrow.

3.  A moral inventory – as I understand it, the moral inventory is largely about acknowledging and reconfiguring your self-defeating psychological tendencies.  (Freaking about things you can’t control, treating people in ways you wouldn’t want to be treated, rationalizing self-destructive behavior, ect)  And, I see the value in that, but that’s the kind of thing I’d like to do with a therapist.  I’m going to start meeting with someone at my outpatient clinic on a one on one basis, very soon.  I also plan to see a shrink, to get on meds, ASAP.

I guess, I’m just trying to carve out my own way of doing this.  And, I finally seem to be getting somewhere.  But, I really can’t take all the credit for that.  I really feel like someone’s been carrying a lot of the weight for me.