I did not update this morning…Instead I headed off to an early meeting I was up late reading and was on a mini mission to find some answers to step work progress and having to return to the third step due to my "LACK OF FAITH or TRUST" It was not until I saw that I am trying to let go of things that I still am somehow trying to control.   I also see that some of this is "unidentifiable feelings or emotions" dealing with childhood stuff.  I find that as I look deeper inside what I am seeing is not what I expected…Somehow I have becomre "preserved" (most likely by trauma and then ALCOHOL and addiction) as  little kid who has not a single idea how to live love and function in society.  ok that is not completely true, I can take care of myself in a physical sence.  Emotionally I am a wreck, I ride the roller coaster of that empty pit that I SO DO NOT WANT TO FILL WITH HATE AND RAGE AND ANGER…That slice of parranoid dellusion that makes me take off and turn a grain of sand into a PILE OF BOULDERS that are all falling down on me…I know the reality is that this is just very uncomfortable right now…I want to move forward…I cant see what I am hanging on too…I have identified so much…I know that this is more than just a drink…that I know was a symptom…and if I could make it solely about the alcohol I could at least be more at peace…I do not fear the Drink….I fear life…I sit here with GOD right next to me…yet I feel no comfort…I used too…Many years ago…then I lost my faith in GOD…for no other reason that I made some choices that I felt were right at the time and I know they were selfish and poor…I have lived with those subconsciously driving me for a while now…fueling some of the disaster that I have manifested for myself with my alcoholism…WHat I feel now is not new to me…I have felt it all of my life…in and out of every relationship I have had…I sat yesterday and revisited all the Females I have ever had a relationship with and they all….I will continue this after I just had a call from a friend in need and I have to go…Thank you all and lots of love…OK I am back…THat felt good to go and talk to someone who needed a kinda open voice…Ok So I was saying that I looked back at past relationships with females, If I had pictures I looked at them…gave thought to the realationship and what it was or more so how it ended.  As I looked or thought I came to see that what I feel right now about my current relationship I still hold onto with all of them.  I still harbor the insecurity, the needed to be the only one, the best at everything, the saviour, the one person that could make it all better…calm them fix them, support them, at points I even took only what I could get, putting all of my feelings to the side and let myself be taken advantage of and let that be ok.  Something I sickly deserved…In all of these I struggled with manipulation and trust…always assuming that people being with me was for an alterior motive.  That feeling has always been there..even in 6th grade when I had my first GF and that was nothing more than a kiss on the cheek.  I have always had the guilt and fear of "being found out" that need to have things just to covet them mostly because they were someone else's.  and when I could not have things I obsessed about them, they ruled my misery and I sough out some very lonely times.  I recall spending almost 7 years on and off grounded to my room…allowed to come down for meals and piano lessons.  At 5 or 6 I located a mysterious box under my parents bed…inside was porn…yeah I know no biggie..well it was gay porn, people being fisted, bondage stuff…people having sex with animals…heterosexual stuff too..and as a child everything was bigger than life…I believe today that could have some impact on why I have yet to be able to let go of some things and have trust…even trust in myself…I refuse to let this be a "Cop Out" on my living life or use it as an excuse.  I want nothing more than to accept and move forward…History need not repeat its self…Nor do I need to keep living in this tormented way or persecuting myself for things that may not even have been myfault.  I am an adult now and am standing here, not runnign anymore…(that little kid inside needs to know its ok to grow up now and its going to be ok)…