I just woke up about an hour ago.  I was hungry.  Earlier I could have ate something, but i felt more tired than hungry.  Yes I know this is really weird.  I’m like a baby my life seems to resolve around food, sleep, play, and something else…  I don’t think this is pathological.  Eating seems to be the hardest part.  I don’t know how much to eat, I just know what.  Lately I’ve been eating a lot of fat.  The second ingredient that’s really gone up in the dietary domain is milk.  Probably for my bones; likewise the fat is probably for my nerves.  For so many years I avoided fat.  For sure, for two years my body was starving.  The other four years I taught my body to resist all the little treats I thought I needed and for the remaining four years this resistance of these nutrients felt normal.  Indeed, it felt abnormal to not resist.  It still does.  But not as bad as I thought.  The fear is gone.  Moreover, I intuit that through all these years of resistance and especially the first two years I taught my body to run on adrenalin.  Maybe that helps to explain the sickly nature of my skin, the foggish nature of my brain, that’s started to appear over the last two years.  The bodies stress response.  It can only take so much.  And you know, as I was saying, I don’t think this overeating of fat, of milk, of food is pathological at least being because it is what I need now to recover.  It still feels uncomfortable, but that’s because I didn’t learn to starve myself over night.  At the very least, it feels less uncomfortable than being tired all the time.  I hope this isn’t pathological, that is my only fear.

I don’t think it is, though.  You know, they say about half of the people who develop anorexia nervosa go on to "develop" bulimia.  I think the gorging after the starving is normal.  However, I don’t think the guilt feelings, the shame about the body, the throwing up is normal.  No, no!  The body has been deprived of these particular nutrients for however long.  It reminds me of something we learned about babies in a uni course.  Left to their own devices many babies will gorge themselves of preposterous amounts of, say, salt, for week or day one (I can’t recall the details), fat for day two, and then, like protein for day three.  If parents didn’t know that overall it would balance out they might be horrified.  But babies know what they’re bodies need…

Kali  _________________________ ________________________