I don't exactly know what is going on, or what i should do… Or if i'm even over thinking it.

This whole week there have been has been made up of bad memories and depressive feelings.

Almost everyday this wee i have seen my ex. Usually it isn't a problem. i just smile and say hi to him and just keep walikng. but for some reason it has been bothering me. Why? i do not know. It can be because i am jealous that his life is better than mine. or if i am mad for hoe he left me and the time at which he lest me. weeeelllll, he did abandon me when my depression was at its worst. but. hey. i'm still alive. so i think that in a way helped me. any who. i hate feeling hatred tward him. he is a nice kid. i don't know. It can also be that i hade made a drawing in a sketch book he gave me, and i returned it to him when we broke up. I only bring this up because, i am currently in the process of replicating it. that though, is my only regret. returning the sketch book in which i had what i thought to be my best drawings. but oh well. life moves on and i am still drawing and getting even better… i think.

I've also been feeling like complete crap. just in a low. questioning myself. So i go with my friends to their youth group. i got there and i still felt like crap. i actually felt worse. I was actually almost brought to tears twice during that night. first was when they sung a curtain song during worship. the lyrics of the song were what i was feeling that night. then they had a speaker that i never saw there before. but he said he had a message for us. and that was why he was there. he had two messages. the first one i had no connection with, i was actually confused. it was the second message that got me. he asked if any of us questioned why the Lord did not answer our questions. Or basically the main question. "why am i here?" he told us that those who rate to this question, the answer is, because He doesn't want you to know. if you know, then you'll try to meddle in his plans to get you there. and some how mess it up. he doesn't want you to mess it up. that is why he doesn't tell you. then he went on and on, but i didn't listen cuz i was close to tears.

Then there were many coincidences. revolving around the same message.

Yesterday was just weird. my friends and i somehow got into the conversation of marriage. we even came up with the order in which us and all our friends will get married in. i said i shall be that last one getting married at the age of 60. I have a lot of schooling to go through. and then internships and training and all that stuffs. they came up with the conclusion that i will be a pre med student. which will probably be true. i don't want no jack ass Mexican (me being Mexican myself). Although if he is in pre med and he is Mexican, then ……. maybe. anywho. we came back to the dorms and the first thing i see on my laptop is something talking about marriage. and then another pops up. that freaked me out. i don't know why, but it did.

today i am still a little iffy but other wise okay. until i got a fortune from a fortune cookie saying something about anything needing to be resolved will be resolved at the beginning of the month. my friend and i where talking about that last night while my roommate was at bible study. i really don't know what is going on. are these messages. or am i just really over thinking this whole situation? i have no clue. but this better stop. i don't like it. i'm scared now.

any who. i hope you guys are having a great day.