i hate everything but i love as well. i’m so unhappy. i’m tired. i’m exhausted. i don’t want to fight anymore. i’ve been through these runts all my life but the deep sense of isolation i’m feeling right now is overbearing. i’ve finally gotten diagnosed with something other than depression. borderline personality disorder and social anxiety. i have no idea what bpd. my wait has fluctuated. i got prescribed prozac to help with the depression but also bulimia. is it wrong that i’m not taking it because i don’t want my bulimia to end? it’s comforting knowing i can eat as much as i want and not gain a single pound. it’s the only thing in my life right now that i can control. my family makes me upset, specifically my mom. she will be nice to me for a week and then suddenly blow up and forget our talks about how the words she says to me affects me and makes me feel like a mistake. the suicidal thoughts have been really prominent lately. too constant to even pretend. the pretending has become extremely lazy. it’s very apparent that i’m not okay. i relapsed last night. found a razor and did the deed. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m tired. i’m sad. i’m unhappy. i’m just, not fulfilled and can’t see a future where i am. i’m temporarily happy when i’m doing someone for others but this always ends up getting me taken advantage of and it hurts even more. i feel like the world would be okay if i wasn’t here and maybe i would be better off that way too. i really don’t know. i’m just very sad. too sad to finish my thoughts. too sad to finish this rambling of whatever it is i’m even saying. i hope my insomnia gives me a break tonight, god knows i need it.

  1. Author
    natureschild 3 years ago


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  2. sullengirl76 3 years ago

    I’m sorry you’re going through this pain right now. Please keep reaching out to others – online and/or in the real world. You’re not alone. You matter. And even though she may not always act like it, your mother would be devastated if anything were to happen to you. Stay strong!!

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  3. iopsydoc101 2 years ago

    Prozac and bulimia go side by side. I tried this combination once and gained so much puffy weight that spoiled my monthly cycle, as well as made me look like someone on steroids.

    It was not a pleasant sight.
    This is chronic depression, my dear, and I think a long term solution is the best way to tackle this problem.

    Once you finish the dose of Prozac, you will have relapse effects. It masks depression for some time by giving you timely euphoric feelings, but then again, you will find yourself in trouble for a while.
    Do you have any other healthy habits?

    I remember I started learning guitar to move my mind to something creative rather than just fretting all day long.
    I resorted to many things, even whether there could be a negative entity attack, but I found out that I am the only one with the will power to cure it.

    On my journey, medical marijuana helped me. So that was my last savior. I do feel you. Let me know what works best for you: love and Light.

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