i hate everything but i love as well. i’m so unhappy. i’m tired. i’m exhausted. i don’t want to fight anymore. i’ve been through these runts all my life but the deep sense of isolation i’m feeling right now is overbearing. i’ve finally gotten diagnosed with something other than depression. borderline personality disorder and social anxiety. i have no idea what bpd. my wait has fluctuated. i got prescribed prozac to help with the depression but also bulimia. is it wrong that i’m not taking it because i don’t want my bulimia to end? it’s comforting knowing i can eat as much as i want and not gain a single pound. it’s the only thing in my life right now that i can control. my family makes me upset, specifically my mom. she will be nice to me for a week and then suddenly blow up and forget our talks about how the words she says to me affects me and makes me feel like a mistake. the suicidal thoughts have been really prominent lately. too constant to even pretend. the pretending has become extremely lazy. it’s very apparent that i’m not okay. i relapsed last night. found a razor and did the deed. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m tired. i’m sad. i’m unhappy. i’m just, not fulfilled and can’t see a future where i am. i’m temporarily happy when i’m doing someone for others but this always ends up getting me taken advantage of and it hurts even more. i feel like the world would be okay if i wasn’t here and maybe i would be better off that way too. i really don’t know. i’m just very sad. too sad to finish my thoughts. too sad to finish this rambling of whatever it is i’m even saying. i hope my insomnia gives me a break tonight, god knows i need it.