Why can I be happy one moment and so down the next?  What the hell is wrong with my brain chemistry that I can’t stay on an even keel?  I have been fairly happy over the holidays, even though I’ve been sick with a monster cold, my self-confidence has been up and I have been feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time.  I’ve been chatting with a friend on the phone that I met on the internet about a year ago and have been enjoying our converstations and he makes me laugh.  I expected to hear from him this evening and I didn’t.  All of a sudden, I got a hundred senarios running through my mind as to why.  I know it’s not logical, I know that it’s probably something as simple as he was traveling all day and was tired.  But my mind can’t help but think the worst things and I start to believe them.  I start feeling down on myself again and I loathe myself.  One little incident,, hardly anything really.  Any "normal" person wouldn’t be like this.  I want to medicate the pain away, I want to take a handful of pills and feel numb.  I don’t want to take the pills so I come online to spill my stupid feelings like anyone would care.  I guess, in a way it’s just a way for me to vent, because in the real world no one would listen and they certainly wouldn’t understand.  I don’t know if it is the depressive in me, the addict or the little girl who always got picked on that keeps me feeling like I’m not good enough.  I’m tired of hurting but I can’t seem to make it go away.