Oh, I’m sick of this Prozac.  40mg was too much.  20mg is not enough.  I sleep or I don’t sleep.  I learn or I don’t learn.  There’s no in-between on this shit.  Well, I did just read a quote about creativity: "Why  does my Muse only speak when she is unhappy? She does not, I only listen when I am unhappy  When I am happy I live and despise writing  For my Muse this cannot be but dispiriting."

I don’t know if I could handle going off it, now.  I’d need to quit everything.  No courses, no nothing.  All my energy put into going off.  (A year ago I tried going off.  I think it lasted about 6 months.  It felt like I’d been hit in the head with a bicycle and then left in some kind of daze.  I would sleep for 12 hours, then wake up for 6 or so.)  Who knows, maybe now would be different.  As of probably 3 months or so, my sleep seems to have shifted.  More of an "On/Off" switch with regards to deep or rapid eye movement sleep.  And now that I tried this one day 40mg experiment the effect was more profound.

It seems stupid that doctors would make someone who had anorexia (oh, i don’t care that it was severe and people said i was going to die) take a pill that has been shown to alter sleep because – hey – it alters mood.  Don’t they know that all  animals sleep?  Furthermore, that they barely know anything about sleep?

And I hate it not only for that reason, but for the reason that I can’t help but think it has disadvantaged my social bonds (I still don’t know why I think about them as bonds, as if I’m in bondage).  It’s as if because of my lack of REM sleep – where learning has shown tb consolidated – my awareness of life doesn’t take place, yet I still feel as if I’m alive and act as if I’m alive.  So basically, you’ve got one unconscious jesting brain/body alive with all her animal-like defenses intact.  What happens to dignity?  What happens to finding a home?

Maybe I’m being overly cynical.  I just woke up realizing what I’d emailed a colleague of mine.  It seems to be more the emotional emphasis that gets to me and probably to others, as well.  I can be very emotional and my emotions overlap with my cognition substantially.  Just taking it as it comes may help.  But the perfectionist in me gets pissed at mistakes such as putting a 13 year old on Prozac.  Especially because the mistake still effects my life.

It is true that I can’t see all the positive effects.  I don’t know how I would have been today if I’d never been put on Prozac.  Perhaps I would have been less creative.  Perhaps I would have actually learned less.  Perhaps I would have ended up having a psychotic episode like my sister – I doubt this one, though (I think that has more to do with our personal reactions to events.  I’ve always been more so to internalize them and Jayda to project them onto others).

Anyways, the concensus is I see my doctor on Wednesday and I’ll ask him about a 25 mg pill, rather than a 20mg.  If there is no 25 mg pill, maybe it’s not so bad and I can stay on 20 mg.  If not, I’ll go on 30.

Kali