It's the first day of Zachary's summer break and already he's bored and driving me nuts. I love him so much though. I wish we had some extra money so I could take him to the movies to see Iron Man 3 or something else that I know he'd like. But next Tuesday he starts summer day camp and he'll have his best friend and other kids there to get to know and make new friends with. I hope he enjoys it. If not I'm going to pull him out and just keep him home and we'll find stuff to do around that's free. I'd still be able to work nights that way and we wouldn't be spending money that we don't really have. I guess we'll see how it goes.

We're not going to Wet N Wild tomorrow, obviously because of the money issue. We've got to get through until Tuesday when I get paid. Then we'll have a little breathing room until my husband gets paid on Friday.

It's sunny right now but already the storm clouds are starting to form. This is how we know summer is here. Every afternoon we get thunderstorms from the Eastern sea breeze coming off the ocean and building them up to the west. But for now I'm going to enjoy the sunshine and the sparkle of the ripples in the pond and watching the ducks play in the sun. Yesterday some Muscovy ducks showed up and my Mom had a fit apparently (she does NOT like them) and she was running around trying to chase them off to no effect at all. All they did was hiss at her and move further down the shoreline, lol. I was kind of excited hoping they'd stay, but later that evening they flew off and dashed my hopes. 🙁 Mom had finally decided it was okay if they stayed, and kind of welcomed the idea. But for now we have our wild ducks to keep us happy. They're all laying on the bank right now just enjoying the weather and napping. Already the cloud cover is starting to block out the sun, but I welcome the cooler air.

I'm doing so much better today. I'm not sure what's changed, but it happened rapidly. I was telling a friend on Dtribe that I disagreed with the therapist about my depression being a result of my Mom's health scare. I think it may have been part of the trigger into deeper waters, but I was having trouble even before then. I wonder what it is that happens in our brains when we go from normal to depressed, or hypomanic for those of us that are bipolar. I've always been interested in psychology and physiology of the human mind and body. It's amazing to me how all of it works and how everyone is different yet the same for the most part. What makes our moods? What happens to change them, even in a person with normal moods? I'd love to discover the answer one day.

The past week or so I was ruminating a lot about my past, which seems to be par for the course when I'm feeling depressed. I spent an awful lot of time thinking about the men that have been a part of my life. I always feel guilty when that happens because I've got a great husband that I love a lot. But sometimes I dream of "what if", and think of what might have been. I know it's a self-defeating game, but I can't seem to help it from happening. It's like a movie in myhead that I am helpless to leave the auditorium. The worst is unrequited love ~ the angst that it causes is awful and so powerful. Madonna once said that rejection was the greatest aphrodisiac, and maybe she was right.But it's odd how when the depression lifts those thoughts go away. What brings them forward anyhow?

I wish we could afford to go on vacation somewhere this summer. Before we spent all of our savings on remodeling the bathroom formy Mom as a thank you we were looking at small RV-style trailers that we could take instead of having to stay at hotels. We could go camping and really experience the woods and the scenery of the place we went to. I want to go North, maybe to the Blue Ridge mountains again to visit my aunt and uncle, and then on to Kentucky to see Aaron's step-grandmother who's such a love.That would've been great. But it looks like if we're going to go on a trip it will be over Christmas break. Zachary has never seen snow and I want him to get to experience it. It's been a long time since I've seen snow too. Not since 2002 when I visited with a friend in the North Carolina mountains. It was so beautiful and peaceful.

I can't believe how fast the year seems to be moving. It seems like January was only a couple of weeks ago. Now it's summer and it will take what seems like forever to be fall again, but then it will fast forward again. (sigh) Where do the years go?

Well, I've got to feed the ducks and fill the bird and squirrel feeders. I hope everyone has a good day and finds something to make them smile for a bit. (((HUGS))) as always.

1 Comment
  1. Andie372 8 years ago

     I can definitely see you getting an RV and going camping, you love nature so much.  So do I.  I also am interested in psychology, I took a couple of courses in college.  I have no idea what triggers my depressions and manias.   Actually, the onset of fall/winter/the holidays gets me down.  I guess that's a trigger.   When I get depressed, I think a lot about the past, whcih is extremely unhelpful.  Well I hope you have a great Friday!

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