DF and I saw a house we really love today. He'll be making an offer tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

It's a big house for just the two of us, I'll admit. Lots of space for entertaining… only I don't know how much entertaining we'll do when it comes down to it. I keep thinking about DF's disastrous attempt at throwing me a surprise party–which I still haven't totally forgiven him for–and I think, "who the hell even gives a shit about me anymore?" None of my friends are friends anymore. Only two actually made an effort.

I'm just out of the loop. Ever since I went to school, I've been out, and unless I completely resubmerge myself in drinking myself sick at least once a week, I'll remain out of the loop.

On the practical side of things, I don't have the money and I work every single day. Aside from that, I just don't want to do it anymore. I mean, Jesus! We're over 30 now. Isn't there anything else? ANYTHING?!?!

I never see the couple of friends I have left in my life anymore. C's work schedule and mine never sinc up, S keeps making plans to get together and then never calls me back, T turned into an alcoholic bitch, H and I mutually quit talking because I couldn't stand her immature nonsense/ self-esteem drama anymore and she couldn't stand my eventual honesty about it, and E has dropped off the radar for good–probably selling drugs and fist-fighting with her parollee boyfriend.

As for DF's friends–they're mainly his family who all have kids, plus his best friend M, who can't come out to see us because his license was revoked years ago.

It's always been us who run out to see everyone else and I don't see anyone returning the favor. Ever. Makes me sad that my only outside contact is two jobs I don't like. My friends no longer fit and I don't know how to make new ones anymore. Maybe it's just too late. Maybe this is it.

I was hoping this would get it out of my system, but it hasn't.