Working out how to approach my immediate family members. I know they want to show care. But they fight and shout and speak combatively. It leaves my emotional body stained. In my memories hurt. I know that this is why i find it hard to exist here. Because nothing good ever happens for me to out weigh the bad. No one helps to heal my soul. It is always left in the flames of isolation.
Thankfully i have some friendship. I know i am unimportant. I know i am no one. I know i am insignificant. I know i am hideous. Thats being human. My low self esteem has led me to being a insular narcissist because i am around narcissists. My dad the only survivor. I want to write everyday about my father and the world. That is a way i can see the light.
I know my grandmother thinks ill of me. As does my sister mother and aunt. From this day forward i will become egoless. Besides that of my own business. I won’t take any real interest in anyone that doesn’t make me feel soul. Not for the want of being anything other than sustainable with my being. I am wasting emotional energy obsessing over people who aren’t in my life.
They want to obsess over darkness but i refuse to let it in my life. I want to obsess over faith and goodness. Breathing in health and pride. Pride for surviving whatever happened. Pride for waking up every morning even though i am faced with the same pain.
Whats my life? I don’t feel content living just for me. It isn’t enough. I want to escape that. I want to help people find answers. I want to solve problems. I want to support my planet and its communities. That is the only way i can release the tension. By giving.
im 27 i don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live looking at my parents. They require so much diplomacy. For 12 years I’ve suffered in silence. An invisible condition. But still they shout and cry at me. Snap and bite crucifying me for every wrong word. The house becomes a prison and time becomes torture.
So how do i get to feel safe? I don’t want to take drugs. I don’t want to change my brain chemistry. I want my family to know me and learn how we can all help each other live and take care of the time we have. To be completely real and honest with the core of ourselves. I pray that it will come and i know that its work. Work to watch the emotional body and respect how everything functions. Moment to moment i am so delicate. Both mum and sister are so quick and sharp and violent with their social interactions. They have no rules for themselves yet try to put me in my place even though i have a condition. Its lawless. But because they have a label for me they know how to pin me down and make me feel weak. They take my power. They don’t empower me.
So today i think i did really great. In all honesty I did what i had to do guided by my light. I didn’t listen to their words I listened to their beings. I wasn’t affected by their ploys. I got to the crux. Everyone is learning from me. I am making the magic again. I will be home soon.