yo

by the way! thanks to everybody who’s been commenting and stuff, that’s mad cool.. nice to meet you!

also this is mad long, don’t even skim it… i usually just journal but i like knowing people COULD read it. that doesn’t mean read it, it means don’t read it cause i won’t know either way.

is it weird to update this every day? whatever i’m going to update today. i might write on here a lot for a little while. i have stuff to talk about that i can’t talk to anyone about. i have friends and stuff (actually my friends are mostly seriously amazing individuals and i am constantly shocked at the fact that they’re friends with me… i think it’s a joke or something) but nobody wants to hear the stuff i have to say… i mean the stuff i have to say is difficult to respond to, and it just puts them in a hard position.. and also some of them would worry, and the ones who wouldn’t worry really don’t want to be involved at all anyway… and i can’t tell my therapists anything too serious because i don’t want to be kicked out of school again for being a liability… i’ve been asked if i really think i’m ready to be back, and honestly no not really, well sometimes i think that anyway. but the thing is a) i don’t think i ever will be, and b) what else am i going to do, there’s nothing else i’d rather be doing. that kind of depresses me… a lot… like, it’s senior year and the semester is almost over. i’ll be here first semester next year too because i was out for a year but all my friends are graduating after next semester and going different places blahblah etc and then i don’t know what the fuck i’m going to do in 2011, i’m not preparing for anything yet… 

anyway whatever.

last night was okay. dinner was good. there were enough people there so i didn’t feel like people were paying too much attention to me.. also we went to the bar while we were waiting for our table so i drank a little. yeah it was good. i really recognize that i have great friends and an enviable life– it’s just that for some reason being conscious is often torture… it’s just like SO BORING and there’s nothing i want to be doing and no reason i can discern for doing anything and just everything is so ridiculous and stupid and pointless and boring and depressing and anxiety-inducing and just totally not worth it! ANYWAY so then we went back to their suite and got very drunk. i have like sort of a thing for my friend and i can’t tell if it’s reciprocated at all, often when he’s drunk he like cuddles with me or whatever but sometimes he ignores me.. so last night this girl i’m kind of friends with came over too towards the end and got drunk and started hitting on two of my friends REALLY really hard. like unbelievably hard! they were enjoying it. so me and my one other friend were kinda just placing bets on what would end up happening. but when she first got there my friend who i might kind of have a thing for had his head on my shoulder but then he moved over to where she was and switched!! then me and my other ostracized friend decided to leave and as we were leaving we saw her making out with him. i don’t know what happened after that! but he might have swine flu so hahaaha. so then i went to his room because i was way too drunk to go home, or maybe i wasn’t but i didn’t want to go home, i don’t know… eventually then i did want to go home but i like couldn’t get up so i ended up falling asleep in his bed, woke up at like 7.30 and decided to go home… i accidentally woke him up by knocking something over AND apparently i spilled soda or something which i didn’t even notice but he said that when he got up there was soda all over the floor oops… he’s a good friend. that’s nice. my other friend isn’t really that good of a friend i just am attracted to him, this is always what happens.

so yeah that was last night… then i came home and was in bed by 8am…. ugh… i woke up for like half an hour and ate oatmeal at some point i guess and then went back to sleep, woke up at like 6ish i don’t know.. now it’s 10 and i haven’t been out of bed except to get food (which i ate in bed) and go to the bathroom, and i’m still in pajamas… yeah i don’t know. i don’t get how people like find meaning in life, stupid as that sounds. i mean how do you just forget that everything is so valueless! i meannnn i don’t know, i don’t know if i even actually believe that but sometimes maybe..

i miss last october right when i got home… weirdly… actually i don’t, but i miss not knowing the next year would be like it was… and i was relieved and excited to see my cat and be in my house and not have to worry about being seen in public too much by anyone who wasn’t a mental patient or someone who works with them.. school had really been a disaster before that… but part of me misses that because everything was just SO broken, i just totally threw everything away and gave up and expected that help would help.. now when i want to give up and go home and be in a fucking day program i know it will only make everything worse…

i’m pretty sure a big reason i’m so depressed right now particularly is because i drank all night and slept all day and didn’t leave the apartment or get dressed… that kind of makes me feel better i guess but not really because i still feel this way regardless of why and i don’t get why people live…

i guess that’s most of what i have to say today probably… i’m supposed to be writing every day (not this, other stuff) and sending it to my advisor (another really cool thing about my life is i’m doing a creative writing thesis which involves writing a book of poetry and my advisor is super cool and is helping me) but it’s so hard to write when i know i have to send it to her because, again, most of what i have to say is sort of concerning for the authorities. i’ve been kind of hiding from my therapists and everyone how dysfunctional i’ve really been lately. but i want to write about it. i mean i guess i can but just not send it to her but then there’s no POINT……… hah. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’m going to go try to write i guess? i’m discouraged because what i wrote yesterday was so horrific. but i think i really like what i wrote the day before which seriously never even happens so i’ll just remember that..?

oh the other reason i’m so depressed lately is my ex-whatever is now like "with" someone else (who i think is a lot cooler than me though i’ve never met her) and that whole thing with him is like a thing…. ugh i mean like i was REEEEEALLY into him. and also he was sort of abusive to me (not physically). but he really manipulated me into feeling shitty about myself and established control over a lot of aspects of my life like what i wore and who i was friends with and what i thought about, i mean a lot of that was my fault for being so codependent but he was also making it happen… anyway he’s the big reason i left school last year i think.. he was just a really big deal.. so now he’s fucking someone else, which i mean, sucks for her i guess… i legitimately don’t care for any logical reason– i am super done with him, i don’t even really want to be friends anymore except i’m still attached to him is the thing… and i keep thinking about how things were last last summer (right before last fall, when the shit coincidentally hit the fan!) and i know i’m glorifying how it was but i was in love with him and though he refused to acknowledge that we were in a relationship, i was the closest person to him and also we just kinda were. even though he didn’t like me. but sometimes he was really nice. i just loved him so bad! so i miss him and that. even though i don’t know how i feel about him now it’s still sad that that’s gone i guess. it makes me uneasy too. but like profoundly uneasy. i can’t believe he’s sleeping with someone else! it makes my heart beat really fast. also nobody will ever love me but that’s another story for another day… probably tomorrow… godddddddd…