It would be really nice

…….to be able to go out and be comfortable with myself. without questioning everything about my body, my looks, my clothes, how I hold myself, what facial expression I'm making (I wish bright, vibrant, GENUINE smiles could come naturally to me like they do for everyone else). without worrying about everyone else's fleeting glances and being paranoid about 'what they mean' and wondering exactly what everyone in the room is thinking of me. I wish that little voice in my head telling me what 'they're all thinking' about how I'm 'ugly, trying too hard, not smiling enough, gainging weight, too pale, how I probably smell like smoke, my short hair looks weird, why I'm not eagerly engaging in shallow conversations with everyone in the room', yeah, that voice? I want it to shut up. It's like I have two polar opposite voices in my head battling for control and both of them ruin my life.

"They're all staring at me like that because they're jealous of me (no, because they're stunned at how someone can be that ugly) . I'm the skinniest girl in the room (yeah you look like a skeleton and you're dressed like a slob. You look like s#!t. You didn't put enough make up on.) That guy's pretty cute, he's checking me out, too, I think I'll F***K him tonight.(he's not checking you out, he's wondering why the hell you're even bothering to be here. why you're not talking to anyone.) I could get anyone in this room in bed. (Only because they're all drunk. Let's just go back home and stop trying to socialize. It's better for everyone that way. Why torture people with your presence?)"

It's not like I LITERALLY hear these voices, I just switch between feeling this way and that, and these are the kinds of things I'd say or think.

…….tobe confident around others without entering a hypomanic phase where I get crazy and make choices I later regret and hate myself for. Like f***king everyone at a party or blowing all my money on something stupid or getting wasted just to prolong that pink voice a little while. I want to be in the middle, in the normal where most people are.

…….to find someone who thinks I'm beautiful, smart, funny and sexy. Not just awkwardly forcing out "Well, you're a really good friend. You're really nice." But that's it. Never "You're really pretty/smart/etc" just nice. just a good friend. Not someone worth anything more, not someone anybody gets excited to see or say 'it made my day just to text you' or anything like that. I just wanna be worth loving (emotionally and physically) to just one sane person (yeah, like they'd possibly be sane.)

…….for the imaginary person mentioned above to NOT be on drugs (for once!!) I don' know if i REALLY need to elaborate on that. Sick of being told "I'd rather be f***ked up on drugs/drunk 24/7 than to deal with you anymore." I've been told I'm one of the worst people on the planet to be stuck with. But I'm supposed to just suck it up and keep smiling and being the shoulder to cry on for everyone ELSE. Sure. Screw my own feelings. Others have it worse so I'm not allowed to complain or cry or even FEEL upset.

…….to go in public and smile and meet new people with such effortlessness like my friends seem to be able to do without even trying. To not have guys hold the door open for my friend only to let it slam in my face.To not be the one that blends into the wall when guys come and talk to us in the cafeteria. To not have to listen to multiple guys beg one girl for a single night of hanging out as if she's this goddess while they don't even say hi to me, literally not ONE word in my direction, even if I talk to THEM. Sick of getting a dirty look if i DO try to talk to them. Like they want me to leave, as though I'M intruding even though I was sitting with her first and talking to her first. Sick of feeling like I'm not worth s#!t to anyone but everyone still has such high expectations of me to be the one supporting them without a single thank you in return. Once I have a problem or a breakdown, it's "Oh my god, just get over it, it's not that bad. I didn't wanna hang out so I could hear your problems, I wanted your help with what's going on in MY life. What I'M going through is worse."

Well.

Scuse me, your royal ass-ness.

1 Comment
  1. RebekkahJay 9 years ago

     Thank you. "Someday you will start treating yourself with kindness and other people won't matter so much anymore." That part is just awesome, lol. I know deep down this isn't going to last forever; it's like bad weather. it seems like it's the worst thing you could go through and you can't see through the clouds but when the sun does come you look back and wonder why you were so scared. and I live in tornado alley (I literally do, not as in a metaphor for life, haha) so I know the sun does come out. Again, thank you for the comment.

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