So, today was full of thoughts. Not particularily sad thoughts, but thoughts that, if acted upon in some kind of way, would probably change a lot in my life. For example. I was talking to my friend Zack today. We’ve known each other since freshman year, but we’ve been talking even more for about 2 to 3 weeks now. He asked me what I did today. I told him that I stayed at home watching the baby (my 11 month old brother, Mason). Then he asked me why I don’t get out much, & that made me start to think.
Every day, Jairo (my mom’s husband) wakes me up about 12 & gives the baby to me so he can get some sleep in before he goes to work from 4p.m. to 4a.m. Mason usually wakes up around 9:15 in the mornings. I don’t mind watching him for the few hours Jairo is asleep. He goes to sleep around 12, wakes up at 2:30, & gets ready for work. My mother gets off of work at 5, so whenever my friends & I try to plan something, it’s always got to be after 5:30, which doesn’t leave me much time to chill out with them seeing as I have to be home by 10 & it takes me about 30 minutes to get ready. But usually I can’t go out because, even when my mom is home, she either A) doesn’t want to take me somewhere or B) wants me to watch the baby while she goes outside to smoke her cigarettes, read her book, & gab gums on the phone. She tells me all the time, "As long as you get your stuff done, your time is your time." But my time is spent watching the baby while she’s outside. I can’t just leave him there in the living room by himself because we have the fireplace surrounded with brick, all the movies on the shelves on either side of the fireplace, & he’s learned how to climb ON the couch, but not OFF it. I understand that my mom works a full time job & has to come home to a baby, cook dinner, & keep him occupied so he doesn’t go to bed early, but sometimes I feel that my teen years are being sucked away from me. I’ve only been out maybe 10 times this WHOLE summer with my friends because I have to watch Mason. Don’t get me wrong, I’d take a bullet for this baby without hesitating, but sometimes I miss being able to go wherever whenever without having to do all the things to prepare the baby to leave the house. Mom doesn’t make it easier by staying outside all the time. I don’t know…I feel like she’s using me. Like what goes through her mind is, "Hey, I don’t have to feed/change/watch the baby. That’s what I had Samantha for!" I can’t speak up to her about this because she’ll completely freak out on me, saying that I don’t do anything other than watch him & that’s the most I’ve contributed to the house. She’d be wrong; I do loads of housework, but at the same time, taking care of a baby is a HUGE thing. If she didn’t want to take care of a baby, she shouldn’t have had one. Point blank.
I’m tired. Not physically, mentally. I think too much about things that make me fall apart. I need to just get away. Ever seen the movie Speak? Like Kristen Stewart did. Just take a "mental health" day. Anything to make me feel somewhat peaceful besides sleep. I get way too much of that & I STILL wake up tired.