I haven't written in a while. I had a very dark 6 weeks. I was going to my therapist every 2 weeks, but it was getting worse and worse, so I increased it to weekly. It didn't help. He's a great therapist, but I could tell this time was bad. I was crying all the time, and sleeping when I wasn't crying. I couldn't do my work and if I went to a regular 9-5 I surely would have been fired. Some background info, I've been on prozac for 4 or 5 years. I started with 20 mgs, and am now up to 60 mgs, which was working really good for the anxiety and ocd. I have had a few depressive episodes. This one was bad. I finally realized how bad it was when I was walking the dog and thought to myself, wouldn't it be great if I had an accident, and just "fell" in the river? I would never do it, I love my family too much, but I was definitely thinking about it.

So I went to the doctor and told her all about everything, how I couldn't work on my thesis, how I could barely get out of bed, let alone, cook, go to the grocery store, take a shower. She prescribed Wellbutrin XL 150. The first week on it was hell, I was jittery and jumpy, but still depressed as anything, crying a lot, not wanting to do anything. I have just finished the 2nd week of it, and I notice a difference. I have a bit more energy in the day, but it is definitely keeping me up at night. When I do fall asleep I have bizarre and disturbing dreams. So far the side-effects are not bad enough for me to warrant not taking it anymore. I was more depressed this past 6 weeks than I've been in a long long time, and it was scary.

So, this week, I was able to do several things in one day, like go to the shop to get a few groceries, or go out for coffee. One day I even went to the mall, which was huge for me. I got some nice herbal teas for myself, caffeine-free, to try and help me sleep. So, the wellbutrin is definitely helping, even though I'm still depressed. I know it won't go away overnight. I think it takes about a month for wellbutrin to kick in, so I'm hoping for a better next week and the week after.

I really look forward to a day when I can do some writing for my thesis, do some laundry, go the grocery store, and make dinner. All in one day. That might not sound like a lot to some people, but to me, that would be an amazing day.

I am on a cancellation waitlist for a psychiatrist, and my first scheduled appointment is June 11. I am going to ask him about something that will help me sleep at night, but not during the day. I feel like I'm wired at night, even though I'm taking the wellbutrin first thing in the morning. The weird thing is, i get really tired in the afternoon. I don't know if that is the depression or the meds. Either way, my nighttime sleeping is not good, and I would like to be able to get a full night's sleep and wake up rested. If I had better sleep maybe the depression would lessen. I hope so. This has been a terrible month and before the wellbutrin I was losing hope.

love Sarah