Well my very first blog. I feel like crap physically and mentally. I have always felt like crap upstairs, and the last so many years I have felt bad physically. It had not until recently gotten in the way of my physical activities but it is now, More muscle soreness, physical performance suffering. I go to doctors they run tests give me pills nothing ever helps I keep hoping someday they will find something. They do speculate it is depression. I got that it has become very severe. Still get up and go to work(its struggle) but don't feel like I can hold a though long enough to write any code….Feel like I am getting more and more tangled up in a spider web. Feel like life is coming crashing in on me and although I am married am all alone in my little world of misery . I have just come to a realization that I have been compromising so much in life because I am married. I feel another woman is my soul mate although I have never disclosed this to anyone. I used to think we would not be a match but as I have gotten to know her better I realize we are both looking for the same thing in life and share so much of the same desires, which is not what I have with my current marriage. It is so hard to do anything cause my motivation is so low, and my thoughts are so muddled….I feel like I am living in a Haze. I just want to start anew. If I got to live another 10 years like the last I might just as well put a bullet in my head now cause it really isn't worth it….I see a vision of life I want but find the path there impassible….ugh. Well doubt anyone will read this, so I end this here…..and send it on its way to somewhere in cyberspace to gather cobwebs…..
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“i just want you to be happy” he said.
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Just stop.
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