ok well got up really late which didn't help things because it made me feel like a total failure just because my mood is steadily getting worse meaning i'm ritulising in my head but can barely find the energy to do physical rituals.

i went out this morning with my mum….ahhh clothes i've gone from like a small 8 (US 4) to a twelve (erm us…5/6?) which may not seem big but….i feel massive. I don't cope well with change….so yeah the joys of being a teenager! But I don't know wether to buy bigger clothes or not buy clothes and live in the small number which fit. Though suprisingly I still fit kids clothes so i can't be that big. Planning a massive work out scheme for when i'm back at the unit (there is a gym) and meant to be seeing a physio… i just can't quite get why whilst i was with my friend this afternoon my mood was fine but as soon as she left i just dropped. I know things are better if you keep busy and all that but I just hate my mood flipping the way it is when i was on the up and feeling great a few weeks ago! It's just frustrating. Plus physics exam on monday grrr not my fave subject.

At least I can rely on the fact that i'll work out…it'll just become another ritual…i just wish i could rely on my mood to be constant in the same way! I can't communicate with the unit staff by the time i've got my words out and everything they seem pretty fed up with me. Would you believe that the majority of the staff don't even have to have any qulifications like nothing whatsoever! And this is private medical care i.e. in the uk only rich people can afford this in the UK though because there is nowhere on the NHS (national health service FREE!) for teenagers in my area they pay the money for me to be at the posh place lol…it's called Priory dunno if you guys in the US may have heard of it in magazines because it's a branch which loads of celebs go to i dunno not important ramble!

Sitting with my medication…grrr i hate this reliance…though thinking it might be a good idea to go back on the anti depressants…or try the clomipraamine/annifranil which was suggested. hmmmi'm just sick on medication medication medication over a year now i feel like….well i'm a teenager the only drugs i'm meant to take are illegal ones (jokes!)

The clinical phychologist was offering me information on women with ASD (autistic spectrum disorder- mine is specified as Asperger's Syndrome) I can find my own info on the net it's not hard it's just at the moment in the UK i got my diagnosis but now there isn't much support or help in the community or in hospital because well councelling isn't going to help and that's about all there is i need to learn to do things like going out without bursting into tears! I don't always just the ocd and the obssesive side of autism and the inablity to express myself verbally a lot of the time ( i don't make eye contact much and don't often catch on to all humour though apparently i'm very funny plus the depression it alll seems a bit of a mess!)

anyway should probably take the medication which will pretty much knock me out so bye bye migh print some of this out to show people how i'm feeling xxx