I am what seems to be now on a four day panic frenzy. I do not know when it is going to end but everyday I pay that today will be the day. Sometimes I wonder if what I am panicked about will seem ridiculous to people. It seems ridiculous to me. This winter after a horrific fight with my mother and realizing that I was 24 years old and not where is wanted to be in life. My anxiety started to flair up, but I could keep my panic aside. I have lived with anxiety my whole life but never had an actual panic attack until I was 19. After this fight I decided that I would find a counselor. We had two sessions and my life started to turn back around to normal. I decided that I would not keep going to counselor. The main reason to was that it was not covered by my insurance……. I started living life again always being a little anxious, but hey I am used to it. I go on a planned trip to Hawaii that my family had been dreaming of in april ’17.

Flash forward one month.

My mother is getting harassed at work terribly and she cries every night when she gets home. I tell her to quit her job. (I still live with her as of today) That my income would be able to at least pay the bills. She was denied for unemplyment. This had been very difficult and stressful. This also means that there is no way that I can go to counseling.

My stepfather dies. Even though he and my mother had broken up. They still shared my 14 year old brother. He was an alcoholic and probably one of the reasons that I have such bad anxiety. But with death you start to remember the good times and realize that they will never come back. He mostly worked under the table construction so my mother was not granted alot of SSI benefits for my brother. I am heartbroken for my brother. For my mother, they had been together for fifteen years. He had his own problems with depression and addiction and I will NEVER see him again.

We determine that we have BED BUGS… My worst nightmare.  Call a pest control operator. My grandmother pays for the cost that is well over 2000 dollars. Thankfully. The pest control guy becomes a nightmare. After I sign the contract and he decides he is going to start harassing me sexually. i am a strong willed person but he just was too much was calling me at weird hours. I guess at first i just let it go to be nice. But then i became more and more paranoid about everything. It takes days to prepare for extermination and they are some of the hardest things to kill. the pest guy has to keep coming back because of sightings.

Flashforward to now

I am in complete panic this week. I had two bug bites that I am sure are not the Bed bugs I haven’t seen any in a month. but my paranoia is so strong. I constantly think about where they came from, why me? Then I convinced myself that we had fleas….I also am not sure how we are going to pay the mortgage this month. My brother is struggling with his father being dead. We are so close and it is hard to see him struggle. beside all of this I get anxious about my future and my future anxieties. I can not eat, i am barely sleeping. I constantly wonder when I am going to have another panic attack. My last one was about an hour ago. I have suicidal thoughts. But my will to live comes from my immediate family and how I need them and they need me.  I started taking my Prozac again. i found and expired bottle and called in for a new prescription. I felt total defeat because I weaned myself off my medication in 2016. I also blew through my bottle of xanax this summer which was additionally saddening.   I am in constant fear of having another panic attack. 

If anyone has any words of support