I just finished crying like a big wuss but oh well. I read my last entry and I feel a little better but I’m still all mixed up inside. I was talking with my therapist and she pointed out that since I’ve always been the one to cater to others, when I stop doing that I’ll get negative reactions. And I do see that. When I stop doing the work others see that as an attack. Like it was my job.
My friend is. Not a very good friend. Obviously I already knew that but it isn’t a quick thing to untangle yourself from some that means something to you. This is my longest friendship to date and that means something to me even if it doesn’t mean anything to them.
And that makes me ache it really does. That’s OK. To ache I mean. I guess it’s like ripping off a lot of band aids or something.
But I’m realizing more and more that I feel like I don’t matter and that I’m lonely and that all I want is someone to love me. That I do not feel loved in my day to day life. That no one says I love you, you matter to me. No one hugs me. No one says I was thinking of you. No one no one no one.
And if you’re starved for love and affection you’ll start to take what little people give you. And so my friend doesn’t give much but at the very least every once in a while they say good morning and good night and it makes me think that if I died someone might notice. But scraps are not real nourishment. And there’s no love in the way I am treated. No love in being convenient. No love in being useful. No love if you have to earn your love.
I’ve never had to let go before. I’ve had a lot ripped away from me. A lot taken. I’ve been left behind. But I’ve never let go. I’ve never said: “You’re hurting me and I don’t want to be around you anymore.”
And just because someone isn’t trying to hurt you on purpose doesn’t make them blameless.
So here’s what I’ll say: Yes good days exist but so do bad days.
Your friends asks if you’re OK but doesn’t listen when you say no. Doesn’t really want to know. And maybe they are busy but they make time for other things that aren’t you. That all you ask for is a basic conversation.
That maybe they don’t hate you but that isn’t the same as love. And saying you care isn’t the same thing as care. And that if you’re always feeling lonely it isn’t because it’s your fault. That being miserable isn’t your fault. That sometimes, other people can make you feel badly.
That sometimes people don’t know how to show love and maybe that’s not their fault but it doesn’t make it less hurtful or significant. That if someone isn’t willing to change for you in any way then they aren’t a monster but you hardly have to be a monster to be bad. To be mean. To be indifferent. To be uncaring. To be apathetic. To be unobservant. To be a heart breaker.
That maybe you don’t have love in your life but that you DESERVE IT. THAT YOU DESERVE IT THAT YOU DESERVE IT AND JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN’T GIVE IT TO YOU DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT IT.