When I was a child I was a social butterfly, yet at the same time I was very shy when meeting new people.
I was constantly teased by my friends and family, which never truly stopped.
Growing up my dad would tease me without stop, he would tell me my singing breaks glass and mirrors, he would tell me I shouldn't dance, he would call me stupid and tell me I wasn't funny.
He has done the same to my mother, she is undiagnosed but without a doubt has SAD as well, she will not leave the house, she doesn't go to family events, and she does not socialize with anyone unless they are present in our house and the only thing she is comfortable speaking about is music. I am afraid of becoming like her.
I was an abused child, mentally and physically. While I say I have put my past behind me I know that it contributes to my SAD.
When I was diagnosed with SAD the doctor tried putting me on medication, it failed, I could not handle CBT, and then the doctor told me to go to the university to be studied by the students and to see if they could help me, I freaked out and screamed at my doctor as I broke down in tears, I was shaking and sweating to no end as I had a panic attack. That day was the last day I tried to seek help, this was 2.5 years ago.
I struggle to leave my house, I push myself out of my house to go to work because I need to make a living. I work a customer service job, I am friendly with the customers no matter how bad my anxiety gets. My co-workers think I am not a people person and that I should not work in customer service.
The truth is I like people, but people don't like me.. Okay, so maybe that last part isn't true, how can I know if they don't like me when I run the other direction when faced with a social situation? I keep all conversations as short as possible because man kind is judgemental. My greatest fear is being falsley judged. All I want is to be liked, just like everyone else.
My boyfriend, and best friend, is taking a strain with my SAD, this is why I am here seeking help from other people like me.
When I go to his house which isn't very often we hardly talk, we play video games like World of Warcraft or Skyrim. He says when he tries to talk to me I don't hear him, which is true because I zone out while playing these games, because the only time I feel "normal" is when I am on these games, while I am not a social butterfly on the online games either I know what I am doing, so when a conversation does arise it is game related so I know exactly what to say.
I have come to look at World Of Warcraft as my alternate reality, a place where I can be normal, where I don't have to fear being around people or speaking to them. I have found myself referring to "Azeroth" as the real world.
So when dinner time comes around at my boyfriends house he eats with his mom and her boyfriend as he rents their basement. He tells me they like me and want to get to know me, but when meal time is arriving I do what they call "Running away". I rarely stay for dinner. I get so nervous and anxious that I choke on my food and beverages.
Just the other day He told me that his mom asked him, and I quote her word for word "Does she not like eating with us?"
The sad reality is, while I adore his family and want to be part of his family because I never truly had one I could rely on for anything, I would rather eat my food alone than with them because I don't like the way I feel when I am around people, especially at meal time. I can't make eye contact, I don't know what to say, and I definitely don't want to choke on my food. But I want to be able to sit with them comfortably and enjoy a meal with them, I want them to know I do in fact adore them.
Now it would probably help if my boyfriend knew I had SAD, but I can't even talk about it because I don't want to be labelled a freak or crazy like I have been in the past. I just want to live a normal life, and I try, but I find when I try I end up sitting in silence, staring at my feet, instead of pushing myself forward in an attempt to beat this.
I am at my wits end, I have had relationships torn apart because I run from social situations, including meal time with families.
SAD is ruining my life and I don't know where to go from here, I don't know what to do to work past it. I am looking into self help books and now I have found this site, so I am hoping others might know what I can do…
I have never felt so alone and lost in my life.