i just don't have the will to do anything other than sleep
i feel that i need to heal both physically and emotionally but the process is so very slow
it's more than the cold i have in my head, more than the ache in my bones and the pain in my heart
it is the ache of the end of an era
the end of my being there and taking control as Mother
i have managed the last of her crises; she will make the decisions from now on
i know she will come to me with anything she needs help with
i trust her when she tells me how hugely and brightly she loves me
she has thanked me for the little sacrifices a parent willingly makes for their child
i even believe that there is some good in me, despite my chaotic mental health, often poor physical condition and "in your face" emotional issues and the mistakes of my past
why? because she often tells me so!
in addition i am awestruck by the optimistic, independent, compassionate and trustworthy young woman she has become
i both love and admire her
i try so hard not to say a bad word about her father, whatever my thoughts on his behaviour
we spoke about him warmly and together bought a Father's Day card that said she loved him more than chocolate (and she really loves chocolate)
her relationship with him as a co-parent is important to me
i also know i can never give up on living for her sake
my mother took her own life – i do not want that heartache for my daughter
my daughter's relationship with me (whatever that may be) is worth living for – however bad it gets for me
but there have been many times i have felt i was on the verge of giving in….
by her side i felt strong and capable like no decision was too tough to make, no option too onerous to consider
my life for hers
always
away from her, seperated by so many miles in this big country, i am in a depression like none i have ever known before
and it scares me
if only i could shut my eyes, lay down and let the sadness and illness consume me
my body has served me well, especially given the tortures i've put it through
and i am so very tired
but my mind tells me i must go on
being there
should she ever need me again.