started uni september 21st, so about a month ago.
its hard. im going insane. i cry all the fucking time. im tierd all the time. i wake up in the morning & think what the hell is the point? the effort of getting up and getting dressed, pretending to all these strangers im fine, that my life isnt this shambling mess that eats away at me bit by bit is taking its toll.
i cant think, im paranoyed beyond my normal exterms. my ocd is uping its game, i have headaches all the bloody time. i get so worked up about things. i get stuck on an idea, or a perticular time or thing thats ment to happen. & if it doesnt i just cant handle it. i break down and cry so often. i feel alone, i feel weird, i feel like a freak. i feel like nobody actually wants me around. that everyone is talking about me behind my back. that people are lying or keeping secrets from me, or not telling me the hole truth. i feel left out of everything. like my friends have a conspiracy agaisnt me. im not happy.
the presure of life is getting to me; it sounds dramatic, & yes i am being dramatic other wise no1s going to listen! i ahve 2 months to basically decided what career i wan try and do for the majority of my life.. i have no idea. i flip from make up to social work or to a councellor or a midwife. i just dont have a clue. im bloody failing my foundation year at uni atm. im so ill & tierd all the good damn time i just cant handle it. home life is a bloody mess. my step mum & dad hate each other and for the breif moments they get along & are together its like watchign paint dry on a very flimsy wall, that could break & unlesh hell at anymoment but is so utterly boring because they only have polite convosation left.
im going to drown in my own mind/