Very sad today. My heart has been hurting for awhile now, but I've kept quiet about it. But last night confirmed my fears. Our friends Michelle and Mike (Corey's parents) have distanced themselves from us almost completely. They apparently don't want to spend time with us at this point. We invited them to dinner with us last night and they didn't want to go, and when we offered to meet up for dessert somewhere they didn't even answer.

I don't know how long this is going to go on like this, or if they're going to completely bail out on our friendship. It breaks my heart. Michelle and I have been friends since we were children, and they're the only people we feel truly comfortable with. But they haven't invited us to spend time with them in over 2 weeks now, which is really unusual. I get it though. It takes time to heal from what happened, and it put her and Mike in a really bad position. And anything that affects your child immediately makes you defensive and upset.

I've given up trying to call or to text her. I figure if and when she's ready she'll contact me.

I laid in bed talking with Aaron about all of this last night. And he agreed that this was probably why they were being so distant, that we just have to give it time and give them space. But I also told him I was really angry about it too ~ I was just trying to protect my own child. If anything, we should be mad at them that Corey would do such a thing to our son! He's what started the whole damn mess and did horrible things to our son. I know it's not their fault, it's his father's ~ but dammit, what was I supposed to do? Michelle of all people should especially understand what exactly can happen if you don't get the child in counseling right away. She and I are both survivors of similar situations. And neither of us got help until we were in our early 20's. What the hell am I supposed to do about all of this? I don't want to lose my only real friends…

It's raining. I'm glad, it fits how I feel. I just want to curl up into a ball and hide in my bed and ignore the world and everyone in it for awhile. I want so badly to cry, but it's not there ~ the pain is too deep yet for me to do that. I laid in bed thinking for what seemed like hours while Aaron slept. In the dark I replayed all the times Michelle and I have had together over the years, and all the things we've been through. How can she just leave me like this after all I've forgiven her for? Her and Aaron's tryst 7 years ago, disappearing for about 3 years with no explanation, forgiving her son for what he's done to my child…I feel like I should be the one distancing myself from them for all that has happened, and yet, I'm the one in pain. How is it that I'm the one that doesn't deserve an apology, doesn't deserve her loyalty in all of this? It's such bullsh*t!

I have no idea what the day holds, but I realize that I don't really care. I just want to be alone to deal with my feelings or numb myself by getting lost in a book or movies or something. Maybe I'll finally weed the garden since it's cooling off outside. I don't mind a little rain. It'll fit how I feel to be soaking wet. But I know that's some weird punishment of myself and I don't deserve punishment of any type. I also have the desire to cut ~ part of the reason I want to keep my hands busy.

Zachary wants to do something together, but I don't know if I can find the motivation to do anything. I know I need to do stuff with him, but I feel almost frozen in place. I've got to MAKE myself do something with him. He needs it. He's bored and needs reassurance that I love him and want to spend time with him. I know that. Maybe I can convince Aaron to take us to the beach or the river or something.

I have to go. My computer is almost out of battery. Please pray for me and my family today. We need all the help we can get.