So, there's a boy named Jordan, that I've liked since I first saw him in my 4th grade class. He stood out to me,
he was different from all the other boys, he was cute too. He left the end of that year,
moved to Colorado because his dad went to jail. He came back in 6th grade he says but I don't remember ever seeing him,
but if he was, he moved that year too. Back to Colorado for the same reason. When he left I never saw him,
untill a few weeks ago, I was at Lexcees and he texted saying he was comming to visit the 21st of last month,
June 21st. We hung out I think the 22nd, he's leaving the 21st of this month and I won't be able to see him because,
I'm in a situation of my own where things aren't so great but are getting semi-fixed.
I text him and say "I wish you didn't have to go". He'll reply with "I have too, I miss my girlfriend", or nothing, like now.
He know's I've liked him since 4th, or at least he know's I like him. I feel so much regret,
and I don't know why because I've said everything I've felt, i told him I like him and I don't want him to leave.
in a way it feels like he doesn't care. He's always been my best friend and I'm glad he's been there for me,
especially when I've really needed someone, except now haha. He's a great friend, probably the best.
I feel like I'm being selfish for wanting more, but I'm a teenage girl that hasn't trusted any other guy in her life.
Things are hard but I try to stay strong and not let things get to me.
It's extreamly hard not being able to trust any guy that I come in contact with. I don't blame my mom at all,
in fact I thank her. I wouldn't be who I am today if nothing happened, I'm a great person I think,
and I think it's because of things I went threw. I really don't think I'd be the same person. My dad left when I was 3 or 4,
sad thing I actually remember it all. Usually people don't remember anything untill there like 5,
but I remember how he left, I remember a few times with him. He was a great dad, to me and my sister Tessa anyways.
Sometimes I feel like because of what he did, my oldest sister Mandi is the golden child. It makes me hate her sometimes,
which makes me feel horrible cuz I don't like hating her. I'm sick of hearing her name all the time.
I miss her like crazy though because we used to have fun. I feel like if she didn't leave things would be better,
I'd still be in school, Tessa would still be in school and we'd be happy. I'm the closest I've ever been to my mom,
but yet feel so distant from everyone. Don't ask why cuz I wouldn't be able to answer, I think I have depression,
which sucks when you're only 15 years old. I used to look up to my uncle because he was the closest thing I had to my dad,
He betrayed my trust by pretending he had cancer to get pitty because we were mad at him.
It's hard to think and know someone you love/loved so much, could hurt you sooo much.
Money is a big issue with us, so when my mom get's her check me and my sister stash some, call us bad but we're just trying to help.
We're getting a town-house, we think anyway, it's possible we don't but me and my sister want a 3 bedroom, to have our own rooms for once.
Call us selfish but when you share a room your whole life it gets really annoying sometimes. I miss inviting friends over and all the fun stuff.
Here, I feel stuck, all I do is think, sometimes good but mostly bad, which I know isn't good, but I'm so freaking stressed out about all this.
I want a normal life, I don't know if I want to go back to school, I know it's probably better and best for me but I just don't want too.
There's so much I want to be in life, from a vet to a photographer, a FBI dectective/cop to a model. Theres sooo much I want to do, but I feel so stuck in life that I won't be able too.
I want a job, but I'm to scared to get one, I have friends but I feel like I don't. I had a best friend named Caylee, she fuckin' ment the world to me, She was ALWAYS there!
She was so caring and thoughful, but when I left school we stopped talking, got distant just like me and a few other friends. I feel like posting this to someone or some site,
but no-one would like it, at least I don't think anyone would, never know unless you try right? I just am not sure about myself. I feel so helpless sometimes and it sucks so bad.
I've gotten really bad insomnia, anxiety, depression and back pain in the last 2 years. I've become so lost in thoughts and life that I just don't know what to do.
Will I post this and see who reads it, I don't know guess we'll figure it out. Lexcee's been there for the last couple years and I'm so thankful for her because without her, I have no idea where I'd be.
When you're young and you think being a grown up is the best thing, boy you're soo wrong, the world is scary, people aren't nice. I wish I could stop growing up.
I don't know about all of you, but I'm terrified of dying, everyone I know is totally okay with it, and I honestly don't see how, It scares me to think of what will happen when it ends.
I say I can't wait to get a job and move out, but I'm scared of going into the real world and being away from my mom, she's been threw alot trying to keep us safe.
I'm pretty sure regular 15 year olds don't think about half of this stuff, but you can't help the way you're raised, and I was raised to grow up faster than I should've.
Again I don't blame my mom, I thank her! I honestly don't think I could thank her enough, I really hope I could be half the mom she is/was to me.
I want a boy for my first child, I don't have a name yet, and people reading this are probably like "but you're only 15, don't think about that', I've said all I do is think.
I want a boy but if I have a girl, I have thought of a name, Lilette Jane. I don't plan on having a kid anytime soon, I'm a virgin, not that you need to know but I haven't even had my first kiss.
Obviously my mom did something right, half the 12 year olds I know aren't virgins and I don't understand. I feel bad that people don't have any respect for themselves.
Those Victoria Secret Bomshell Push-up bras, I'd like to slap whoever made them, do you relize you're turning 11/12 year olds into baby prostitutes? Pushing their boobs together.
The boobs they don't even have! I'd like to slap you, regular push-up bras were bad enough, but noooo. I have alot of feelings I have to get out obviously, I think I've spent about an hour on this.
One more thing though, to all the people that tell me they've been threw one of the same things, I'm soo sorry you had to go threw any of this, cuz it sucks! For the people that have it worse,
I'm so sorry, I know what I go threw and sometimes I just want to scream, throw, and punch things. I think I need to go to anger management, or get a punching bag.
I feel so angry sometimes that I just want to rip my hair out. I'm so sorry to all of you that feel this way too, I need to go because I think this is long enough,
and maybe I'll write again because I feel a lot better. Buhbaai now.
-Hannahrae I




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