Been married for 10 years and have 2 great kids. Looks like perfect life from outside. I have suffered depression and anxiety for 17 years but make very good job of hiding it. That of course helps no one and it does come out in other ways.
Wife knows the full story now and takes it very personally. She does try to help me and has some experience with depression. She calls me selfish, lier and all names under the sun. Im ruining her life etc. I feel myself drawing away from her but love the kids.
What do u do when
-wife says she has stuck by you all these years and i need to repay that
– her family say same thing. They obviously only hear one side of story. They reckon i have made her life a living nightmare which i think is an exaggeration. My family have more than they could ever ask for and i work hard for them. I have just lost that loving feeling for wife but im not nasty about it. She is very attractive and hot but i now never tell her that or go near her. I want her to be happy but don,t think thats going to happen with me. She could easily find a better life and put all this behind her. Part of me wishes she would meet someone else and move on.
– i feel i am more relaxed and happier when my wife is not around. That sounds terrible. I just dread and hate the interrogation. I can,t be totally honest with her as she never just listens. Constantly buts and wants examples then challenges what im trying to say. I know its difficult for her but it really doesn,t help me.
– have 2 great kids and don,t want to break up family
– feel very guilty for the way i feel and letting it drag on
– Suicide seems an option and i have had a noose tied up for last year. I know its not what i want but it just helps to stop having to worry about anything. When im down i go into garage and try to top myself but at end of day i don,t want to. I love my kids and can bare for them to know daddy just abandoned them.
Giving the choice though i would choose for something to happen to me tonight and for me just to pass away. I want to die but i don,t want to kill myself. Just feel like whats the point, im 38 and don,t look forward to anything. Work is so stressful. I earn great money but sometimes feel jealous of guys living on the street. I reckon i would be happier just wondering the streets.
My dear, you are NOT being selfish.Your wife says this because she does not understand at all what you are going through. It sounds to me like you are and have been showing signs and symptoms of severe depression for a very long time. I strongly recommend that you go see a psychiatric doctor as soon as possible. It would also benefit your wife to go along and have the doctor explain to her that your depression is an illness just like any other sickness/illness and it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
***hugs***
i really feel for you, Wanttoescape. i’ve felt that way, a bit, myself. At times, the only thing that kept me in the land of the living was the possibility that IF i’d acted as i felt, my son (who wasn’t a teenager at the time, yet) would probably be the one to find me. i could not handle that, even more than the constant inner pain and disappointment.
i agree with ChickWhoLeftEarth, in that you probably should talk to a professional and at least get a proper diagnosis and possibly meds….i also don’t think it would hurt for you to vent and be able to feel free to do so–whether that be here or in your own ‘space.’ ya know?
Just take care of yourself, please!!! And, feel free to msg or vent, etc. Don’t try to suffer in silence. It doesn’t help….
Thanks guys, its hard to just tell it as it is. I just don’t like people knowing how bad it is. I am on light meds but have not told psychiatrist the full extent of my issues.
has it ever occurred to you that living with judgemental psycho bitch might be causing the depression? She sounds selfish, insensitive, and full of it.
Sometimes you just have to cut the cord. Kids will learn better about life by coming to see a happy you on weekends, than they will from having you hang yourself in a closet and leave them with mummy for ever. Mummy will tell them that daddy was stupid and useless and nuts, and look – he topped himself. So that plays into her hands.
You need talk therapy or whatever it’s called. counselling. living with a narcissist. or not far off.
You have some heavy burdens but the over-riding positive in all that you wrote is your intense love for your children. Please continue to focus on that, on their sweet faces and individual personalities when you feel the lowest. And honestly, having that noose ready is dangerous – it can make it way too easy when you are in a bad moment, so I beg you. – on your children’s behalf – to throw it out.
Also, one thing that has helped me a tiny bit over this last, really hard year is something my lovely mother told me shortly before she died when I was struggling with a hard situation : “nothing is permanent” Your situation too is not permanent. I completely agree with the other comment that said that your children are better off with happily divirced parents (even if it causes a horrible situation at the start) than with a dead father! Don’t be afraid to fight for your happiness, their ultimate happiness and even your clueless wife’s happiness. Both of you deserve freedom and someone who will truly want you. And your children deseeve to keep someone who loves them as much as you do in their lives for as long as possible.
Take care!