I don' tt know where to start. I feel down in so many differrent ways…..maybe it is all related. I feel my passion for phhhottography slipping as I got more intto tthe techinical aspects and softwarrre and away from possible sales…..and now with my mood as it is wonder if I have the energy in me to eve do a sale.

Worrk is a nightmare and a joke. The store manager wants to fire mw and ,my boss is ttying to convince her ottherwise. I feel like a little kid in this situation, and you would think I would leave it because it is so damaging to my selff esteem, but I think if I go back to school, the hourrs of the job would be perfect.

Thinking aboutt going back to school, to bet my MSW…..years ago, I had more self-esteem, but not enought to do therapy, and I thought when I got older I would. I don't, but I am going to plow ahead anyhow. It is the only thing I can tthink of that I might like to do, which I could get the education for a nd actually do.

I am so glad I hhave my on-line friends, my few "real worrrld" friends, and family, but I feel like there is a gaping whole where people should be filling in. I wish I could talk to a co-worker about what is going on at work…..it must be obvious, but even the people who were at the "someone is going to get fired talk" are not there….they quit or are working on another project.

I NEED social self confidence…..I really want it so badly….I don''t know why I have none. I prefer to be alone, I am more comfortable by myselff. Whhen my daughtter was in school, I didn't do things with the other moms except for one.

I took a klonapin, but it didn't seem to help. I feel like crying….but my boyfiend is coming over in a minute. Speaking of tthe boyfriend…we met in August when hhis parents were living with him and I neverr went tto his house until they wen back overseas in October. Now we have his house to ourrselves. In April they come back……He isn't sure we will be able to keep thhe relationship together. I am the firrst woman he has ever dated!!. so therre is this dark cloud hanging over us.

I don'tt feel like I can express all tthese feelings o anyone, ana even though I hahve a therapist, I don't feel like telling her these things…..why have a therapistk, lol…..I laugh, but it's not ffunny. I really maybe should go back to my old therapist……..I don't think anyone will suppot my idea of being a social worker.