This is my first blog ever as previously always avoided these for two reasons…1) paranoia, 2) my OCD as I would want what I say to be prefect but unfortunately I’m dyslexic and this can makes writing things down difficult as it doesn’t always make sense, so I apologies beforehand.
The reason for starting this tonight is because I have had a pretty shitty couple of days and just need to get some of my thoughts/feeling out before going insane or doing something stupid.
For the last couple of days I have felt under the weather, low in mood and today I had a migraine from hell (spots in front of your eyes, not being able to open my eyes etc). Because of this I haven’t done some of the things I needed to do around the house and this caused my partner to be really pissed off with me when they got home from work. I tried to apologise but this just wasn’t good enough no matter what I said.
After finally getting rid of my migraine a couple of hours later my partner asked if I would cut their hair and because I just couldn’t face it I said no. This did not go down well. Again I tried to explain that I had had a migraine all day and therefore didn’t feel up to it but the response I got was “well you don’t have one now”! With this I unfortunately got really pissed off as I have been asking my partner to make a hair appointment for me for over a month now and this hasn’t been done. So at the beginning of the week I had said that I would not cut their hair until I had an appointment to get mine cut and today while my partner was at work I get a message to say that I now have an appointment for Thursday. Because of this they thought that meant that I should cut their hair for them TODAY (well that’s how it felt anyway)
With that I decided that I could no longer be in the same room as I could feel myself getting more and more upset so went upstairs to lie on my bed. Doing this was meant to help me to make sense of what had just happened but I could just feel myself getting more and more upset.
I know I am probably overreacting but I don’t seem to have any control of my mood….one minute I can be fine and the next I feel like I’m going insane and everyone would be better off if I was not around. I just want everything to be (how can I say) perfect, even if that means doing things over and over again until I get it right. So when I don’t get it “right” this is what it does to me and I feel like such a failure.
If anyone out there has any thoughts/feelings about this I would be really really grateful
Thank you (in advance)
P.S Sorry for the rant
Perfectionism is your downfall. Perfectionism is what people strive toward; knowing full well that humans will not reach it. This causes prolonged stress which may or may not lead to your other symptoms; but it does make you, your own worst enemy. I have a form of dyslexia myself, but I know that I made a reversal or misspelling almost as soon as I do it. I also know I am not a good typist. I could drive myself nuts if I demanded more than the brain will tolerate. Mood control is another symptom of ocd. Impatience with ones self makes all the synptoms go into overdrive. Stress, overdrive, use up all the energy and there is none left with which to think clearly. Am I making sense? I think this is the vicious cycle in which you are presently engaged.
Thanks for the advice and yes I think you're right. Any ideas on how i can break this cycle?
Lenotra – thanks for the advice. yes my partner is fully aware of my ocd and it is because of their support that I was able to hand my notice in a work and regain some of my sanity before I got to the point of a complete break (which to be honest I don’t think was very far away).
I think one of the things I find really hard about my ocd is how much my mood is affected – one minute fine then next feeling like a complete failure and letting everyone down. I sometimes fell like I used to be a someone and now I don’t feel like I am any use to anyone.
Do I expect to much of myself and/or others? Do they expect to much from me? These are just a couple of questions I always ask myself and 9/10 the answer is…probably.
I always thought of myself as an optimist but now I’m not so sure!