First Love

First-Love Definition: Noun 1.One’s first experience of the feeling of romantic love.

I met my first love my sophomore year of highschool, in October to be specific. I was nervous about him, my friend older sister used to date him. He was familar but at first I didn’t see myself liking him. Untill we talked, he recently lost a close friend and I stayed on facetime with him the whole night before the funeral. I felt happy. For once I felt whole and I didn’t feel lost. I had a good feeling about us. We linked for the first time, he came to my house and I was nervous. I thought to myself “maybe he just wants sex and thats it,” I told him I’m scared to give you my body and you leave me. I was damaged goods before I met him. He promised to never leave or hurt me. Two months in and heartache came. It’s Decemeber now and I’m out of town at my cousins house. I believe I’m pregnant, period is extremely late. I buy a pregnancy test and let him know before hand I will be taking one. I thought he wanted this, I thought he wanted me, I was wrong. He basically told me he wouldn’t take care of the “child” and would leave me. I was devasted, I cried and told him that I couldn’t be with him. He told me he didn’t care and he never loved me. He said he could find somebody better then me and I’m not worth it. Gladly, I wasn’t pregnant but I was heartbroken. The boy I love and care for didn’t feel the way. Until I get a text from him, saying he loves me and he will be there for me. He told me that we are forever and he is never giving up on us that we are going to be together forver. I still love him and accept it. I held the pain inside in hopes of happiness taking over.

It’s now February, I’m out of town for Mardi Gras. I come back home so excited to see him. I missed him, my whole heart. Sunday night after being back, he calls me to say goodnight. He tells me he loves me and that he forever will. I was shocked by him being open but I was happy, I knew I had him. Next day, I get no text or call. At the end of the day at school I see on his instagram he has a new girlfriend. I broke down crying, damn near falling on my knees. I was heartbroken. The same dude that helped me become whole, just broke me down again. I love him, he thought me so much. Fast foward a week from then, he begs for me to forgive him in hope of coming to see me. I let him of course because I love him. He comes and we talk about it. I unknowingly break down infront of him, I look at him and he sees my hurt. he knows my hurt, that’s when I understood his love for me. It was deep, he just couldn’t allow himself to get there with me. He refused to love me because I was too good. I love him for that.

It’s now May and I’m living for the summer. I see him one last time and I look into his eyes. He loves me, I know for sure. But does he really? We can’t be together because he said I can’t handle it. He is right I can’t handle the pain caused from him, The whole summer I spent without boys, we still talked but I wanted to get over him and I needed that. School comes around and he pops back in my life. I love him still. The arguments hurt me because of the truth. He still loves me, but we can’t be together. I was hurt, I just wanted him.

Its now 2020 and I’m still in pain over a guy that was a whole girlfriend. Yes I’m dumb. But I’m happy with him, he makes all my pain goes away. The way he loves me, the way he looks at me, the way he speaks to me, he knows my pain caused from him. I’m still inlove with him. I know us together is not good but he makes me feel loved. How do I get over him without going thru the hurt again? I just want to be in his arms and know I am protected. Can’t nothing hurt me when I’m with him. I care about him so much. He is apart of my heart. I would die if something happened to him. I love that boy, and I’m still in pain.