I can already tell it's going to be a long Sunday.
Like today, My brother wants to go see this Zombie play at UCF (apparently it's a comedy…ugh) and I just know it's gonna be PACKED full of people…Just the thought of it makes me want to cry, I rather swallow a bag of razor blades then be there…y'know?
Whenever I'm out I just feel like everyone is staring at me, Judging me -about anything and everything- I can't go into details, I'm scared if I do it'll trigger me into another cutting session.
I had one last night, I don't even want to go into why it happened right now…
Anyway, again my mind is wired, I'm thinking about this week. I don't know about you tribe members, But one of the worst times are the holidays….why do they have to be so damn social?
Already, My mom is like "Oh this is gonna be a good week…we're gonna see so and so, do this and that" and all that shit, despite the fact things are still so tense and icy between everyone,
Her and dad are just putting up a front so no one else can tell about the bullshit that goes on in this family. Plus, one thing I hate every year about thanksgiving is when my mom makes the turkey-
One, Because anything about food in general is a mortal enemy with my eating disorder.
Two, I'm a vegetarian also, and my mom always gets on my case about it. she's like "Why can't you stop that? It'd be so much easier on us if you weren't one y'know" and so on and so on.
Nothing I ever do is 'easy' for them, good for them, I'm just an un-needed and unwanted burden.
Anyway, so then we always go to thanksgiving at Marie's…This year though it's not going to be alot of people like normal I found out…
It's just going to be me, mom,dad,Jonathan, Marie, Bruce (her husband), Kyle (her son), Dana (her daughter) and Dana's boyfriend Aaron….In a way this is good, in a way this is bad…
Since there's less people, that means the more they'll focus on me, and try to get me to be 'social' despite mom and Marie know I had Anxiety disorder (that's all they know)
I always tend to sneak away from the group, and I spend my time with their beautiful doggie (since we sadly have to leave our dogs at home when we go…) Sunny-boy and I spend my time with him, outside away from any other human interaction as much as possible.
Because, Whenever I'm with them i'm loaded with questions, Espeically Dana she's like "So, Andrea do you have a boyfriend now? when I was your age blah blah blah" (she's 21, i'm 16, Kyle is 24 btw)
and I just can't answer them, or if I do it's awkward and I feel like an idiot, or that they don't really care, and they just pity me- that they are nice because they know i'm a freak, because i'm their mothers best-friends daughter,
y'know what I mean?…I mean seriously, Thanksgiving isn't until Thursday and I'm already freaking out, thinking of the worst case scenario's and how to deal with them.
Another thing that makes me anxious, is that they love taking pictures when we go there…I can't stand being in pictures, or looking at myself in them…I always tear them up, or cross out my face with a razor blade afterwards. I can't even look myself in the eye when brushing my hair in the morning, y'know?
Second, they live on a lake and have a pool so everytime there like "don't forget to bring your swimsuit"…I don't like to be in on infront of others because of my anxiety, but also my body image and the scars- fresh and old.
I don't want to have them seen, or look so disgusting in a swimsuit that it annoys them…I'm such a disgusting person, y'know? I feel bad for anyone who has to deal with me, in any way.
The compliments are fake, I can't even handle hearing them, it causes a trigger to either OD on pills, or cutting, even my purging.
Alright…I'm rambling here…again, it's not even time to go there yet, won't be til Thursday…So I guess I shouldn't try to think about it til the time comes…Sorry for bugging you all, for whoever reads this.
Also, thanks for all the feedback in my last entry, it meant alot….
So…I guess i'll 'see' all you tribe members later, Hope you all have a good Sunday…I'll let you know how the rest of the Sunday goes later I guess…
Til then, Bye…
(Btw, This is a link to listen to 'Inside Our Scars'…if you want to…erm) www.youtube.com/watch