song of the moment right nowm kanye west, paranoid! this is how i feel.. well not how i feel but it's just something that relates to me right now…. PARANOIA

I know i suffer from it, i suffer from fucking paranoia like a bitch, and its so bad! My boyfriend goes to work . = HE'S GOT THE BUS, MET A GIRL ON A BUS, GONE BACK TO HERS NOT WORK, AND SLEPT TOGETHER. etc

Sitting at the front of class with people behind me = THEY'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT ME AND LAUGHING THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME THINKING I'M FAT etc.

A group of people I dont know are talking and they laugh but one of them glances at me. = THEY'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT ME I'M GOING TO GO OVER THERE AND ASK WHAT THEIR PROBLEM IS!!!

AND SO ON.

This happens every day and i'm fed up of it. I know i'm fat. I'm 5ft6 and i weigh like 11 stone with big boobs and a butt!!! I want to be so skinny that i'll look like i'll snap, and i keep trying and trying but my willpower is shit, -so at the current time at this current moment until i try again tomorrow before breaking down in punches and tears- i will just not ever look at myself naked in the mirror, as i see a fucking hideous vile creature that i want to carry on punching and punching until bruises cover up my body.

I know i seem selfish as its all me me me but i really need to get this off my chest! I hate what i'm feeling right now. Am i tired? am i awake? should i go back to sleep even though the past 4 days lets say i've had more sleep than anyone else i know? fuck. maybe i'm lonely?i have a mum i'm really really close to like best friends that i see all the time as i live with her whilst 10 months ago we hated eachother and she kicked me out etc, i have a boyfriend that lives a bit away and we call eachother every day till weekend? i have 1 best friend and we text everyday? BUT INSIDE I'M SCREAMING I WANT SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ME TOO WELL, WHO WANTS TO TALK TO ME.

:'(