I can't help but feel as so many here do when the holidays are upon us or nearly gone. What is the point to all of the suffering we do? Does it really ever end here on Earth? Or end period? I've heard several times "suicide is a sin and you will go to hell if you take your life." But those of us that have considered that dark solution, are we not already in hell?
I don't see anything to live for at this point…I feel God has completely forgotten me…forgotten so many of us.
I have found a cycle has developed for me: extreme happiness between Thanksgiving and Christmas then extreme depression. I have tried so hard not to get excited but I can't seem to control the rolller coaster of emotion. As I type this I think of my cousin, L. She was harmed at a young age, grew up with a not-so-great father and struggles with depression. Yet she has found a gleam of light even withDana'sillness and death. I can't seem to cope with my life: 2 parents, pets and other things my cousin does without. I can't seem to make this clear…I am at a loss for words.
My mom has asked me a few times if I was "ok." I guess my "mask" isn't working very well. I've already given in to some old urges but even having indulged, all I can think about is going a bit further…if I posted this on my personal blog, how long do you think it would take the cops to show up? I'm sorry to say Bonsailight sounds a great deal like me now: all we have to live for is a pet. Who else gives a damn in our real lives anyway?
Sorry if spelling is off, too lazyto use spell check.


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