I feel as the loneliest person on this planet, no in the whole universe! And though my rational mind or the little left from it at this point is telling me that probably this is not true, I promise you this is how I feel. Empty, no not empty actually full with sadness, loneliness, desire to share intimacy and thoughts with a special person. What am I writing, and will anyone would ever read this who caress, you see we live in probably the most connected time ever, yet here I am as lonely as one cal probably feel.

I woke up with the tense feeling at the back of my neck that a headache is about to hit me, I made my self the usual coffee and hoped that it will get better. It didn’t, so here we go two Ibuprofen pills later I am sitting at my tiny shower cabin with my head between my knees hoping the hot water pouring on my head will help. You know what they say? They say that hot shower helps for loneliness as it simulates the warmth of another human body embracing you in a hug, oh how I need a hug, a long, speechless, not russhed, desired hug. And no I actually don’t need a compassion hug, they don’t feel right to me, I usually can sense the that the person feel obliged to provide them. No I need a hug from a person who sees me, loves me and when I have a headache he gets one, you know like the when I man have stomach pain when his pregnant wife has contractions. I know its too much, and yet I want a man like this in my life.

We are the most connected society the history have seen, yet I am the most loneliest person. So lonely that it manifests trough this terrible headache. And no the Ibuprofen is not helping, I feel sick, oh how much I hate these headaches, how much I want to not be alone right now… Perhaps a massage would help, oh yes I long for the warm hands of a man to give some positive energy and love to my lonely body. Oh shit, pardon my language, I can not afford it, you see Covid-19. Let’s have a look on Grindr, do you want to know what I think of Grindr? I will tell you, a very very sad place, full with terribly lonely souls, which manage to create a decision for them self that they are actually horny, well they may be also, however they are, we are all lonely and sad.

No I can not do Grindr, it hurts too much, heading back to the shower, back on the floor with head between my knees, and this is when it hits me, I start sobbing, I feel so sorry for my self. I feel so much guilt, that I couldn’t manage to provide the one thing a soul truly needs in its short physical manifestation, love from another special soul. How did I betray my self so badly, how did I ended up 35, jobless, still renting a room and still alone. Everything in my life I’ve done was for the hope that love is out there, waiting to be found…

I need to talk to someone, someone I don’t know or he doesn’t know me, so I can be hones, painfully honest I need to let all of this pain out as it seems my head would explode. Here I am sitting on my bed, and googling for LGBT loneliness support group…Oh I found something, these ones have a chat line available, great! I am still sobbing by the way, so chat would be easier and less dramatic. Hello, is anyone there? It turned out no one is on the other side of the loneliness support chat…pathetic.

And here we are on “the tribe”, first time hearing about this site btw, but who cares I am just going crazy from the painful loneliness within and I need to let it out, I want someone to read this, I really do, but no hope. I don’t have energy for hope anymore.

And I write, and write, and the tension in my head is less, the pain subsides. I don’t know probably the Ibuprofen kicked in, but I want to believe that writing this helps the pain to go out of leave me. Xm anyone there?