im once again lost in a world i dont belong in. i look at the ppl i have in my life, those who i have known and i just cant help but feel like im the saddest person i know. all these old memories and feelings rush thru me and i dont know how to extrude them. im so tired of questioning why me or what did i do to deserve this. i laugh one minute then feel suicidal the next. how long can this last. how many ppl can i legitimally miss at one given time. all in diff ways of course. but it all comes down to the question, why not me. why cant they accept me for me or love me like they did. why cant i get past her. why does she stay in her relationship but yet not let me let her go. she always does something to keep her in my mind. just when im ready to actually get past it. is there really genuine feelings still lingering in her head. isnt she supposed to be in love with her live in gf? why am i friends with her gf? to remain close to her? so we can still talk? do you know the torture behind being with them when they are together? i can barely compose myself when im with her alone. i cut myself when im overwhelmed and alone. i hate being alone. while i would love to meet soemone new, all theses years, its still her i want. i cant stand it. everyone has the easy answers. get over her. shes taken. she doesnt want you, she just wants you to want her for her self esteem. well whatever it is its fucking working. i miss her. terribly. im obssesed with any aspect of settling for what i can get. how belittling is that? will this ever fucking pass? fuck it, ive had a few glasses of wine, should i call her. ill settle for voicemail. i just wanna hear her voice. or do i secretly wanna hear that she misses me too. i recently told her that im still in love with her and with gay marriage being legal, im afraid she’ll marry her gf. whom i close-minded wonder why her fat-ugly ass over me? then my self esteem goes further down the drain. am i that bad? i have soo much love to offer, unconditionally. does she not realize that? so many questions that just spin and spin in my head. i knew i shouldnt have drank soo much wine so late and the worst thing was to put my depressive, memory recovering music on. nothing uplifting. i know what you tell yourself. those lyrics hold soo much ground for me, always have. can i be uplifting? just cant last….