I haven't written a blog post here in like a year, haven't even been on here in a year. I thought I deleted this account. And I haven't been here because my OCD symptoms have been non existent, apart from checking that I still do but nowhere near as bad as before. I'm writing this on a brink of a panic attack, I'm not sure what to do and I am really, really scared.

Today I woke up and the same thoughts I was having before started to come back, they weren't terrible intrusive thoughts, not overly sexual but based around the same person I had intrusive thoughts about. I don't know how to explain it, I don't like talking about the actual thoughts at all but they weren't bad. Until they got a little violent.

This lasted for half an hour, I tried to meditate, I tried some releases (I'm not going to explain what that is bc it's kind of hard to explain). I thought maybe if I kept myself busy they would stop, keeping busy is hard to do as I lost my job recently and find myself doing nothing. SoI got up and did my washing, it helped.

I'm really scared of this happening again, I don't know why it's happened. I don't know if I can deal with it this time, because it really messed me around last time. And yeah I still do checking, it's not as bad but it's getting a little difficult. I still check to see if they car is locked and pull the handle a couple of times but I don't go back a million times to do it again. I'm just used to that now so I don't really worry about it. But lately I have to check if my car will actually start, something is wrong with it, it's not a big deal and shouldn't stop the car from starting but I have to go somewhere everyday to check that it starts. Sometimes I have to check after cutting the engine, I have to start the car again. And I feel so scared before I get in the car and I'm starting it, it's really strange.

I'm not really worried about the checking, I can handle that. It's the intrusive thoughts that scares me. But as of right now after about an hour since this happened it hasn't started again. So I dunno. I don't know if I should see my psychiatrist, she told me the medication she out me on helps OCD, maybe I should up my dose a bit. When I started on that my OCD pretty much effed off.

But anyway, I might go for a walk now and try and distract myself. Actually feel better after writing.