Lately I've been trying to figure out why the hell my OCD has been so f'ing off the walls…and I think I'm figuring out why. I realized today that one of the main reasons why I've been almost crippled with my disgusting illness is the fact that I'm engaged..have been for almost a year now (in march it will have been a year) and we still have NO DATE set. I know how bad it looks to our families, my friends, and even his friends, the fact that after all this time, we still don't have a date anywhere in site…NOTHING at all…we're just "engaged," we might as well be boyfriend and girlfriend…..that is always in the back of my mind, even when I think that I'm ok with it. I try to remind myself that A, Eric just got a job and he JUST got his full time set for January and that B, I have no job yet whatsoever and I'm looking, but all I can find are jobs that pay me around $40 a week. I know that we don't have money and that in order to "set a date," you need money for downpayments on the hall, the flowers, all that, and we are barley getting by on his paychecks…but I still feel like something is wrong, like its just not going to happen. We are living in my dad's basement right now and our first priority is to get a house or apt, but again, Eric is the only one making money and he is waiting for his full time to get set, atleast thats what he tells me…but I could just be buying into his bullshit, he could just be lying and trying to stall, and I've asked him this before and he says no, but i don't believe him. I see other people who i know setting their dates and raving about it, and one of them got engaged AFTER ME, and has a date set…and here we are, living in my dad's basement, "waiting for his full time." I don't know..but i think that I realized one of the reasons why I've just been so depressed and so sick and why I always feel like he's going to leave at the drop of the hat…I think to myself, "Why the hell is he staying? He wants me or not? Why is he staying with me when he's STALLING to get married?" And then all of these fears like him leaving me for some other girl or leaving me because I'm crazy start to not look so crazy, because I thnik subconciously I'm trying to understand why the hell we havn't even set a date with, why can't I look for my wedding dress yet? Why do we barley talk about it? Why?…I hate thining about the wedding…because honestly, I really don't see it ever happening…I just don't

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