All in all it hasn’t been the best day. Went to bed at around 2:30am and woke up at 8:30am, which for me is a massive change. I’m normally up at around 12/1pm. When I woke up I looked at my bedside clock and i’m sure it said it was 12:30pm, so I thought I should get up. It wasn’t until I opened up my bedroom door to see my sister asleep that it dawnd on me that its alot earlier than I thought. Both my mum and my sister asked me why I was up so early. I guess they are just used to me sleeping half the day away.
So today has felt like a long day. Maybe because I seen more daylight hours, i’m not sure.
I caught the bus into town to meet mum. The bus was packed, which didn’t help my anxiety. I don’t like my space being invaded. It didn’t help that the bus driver had the heater on so it was very hot. We went to the local shopping centre, and mum brought me two new tops for $20. I don’t get paid until tomorrow, so that was nice of her I guess.
Appart from the town visit I didn’t go out. Its hard when i’m feeling low to go out for a walk or anything. Its hard to see the point. I know i’m meant to be trying, but man it’s hard. I guess life was never meant to be easy.
I have my appointment with the psycologist tomorrow. I’m starting to feel a bit anxious about it. I am going to go though. I hope she doesn’t hate me too much for not seeing her for a few weeks. I’m sure even if she did she wouldn’t tell me.
Sometimes I feel that people hold back when talking to me. Like i’m a child or i’m too fragile. Everytime something about suicide or depression comes on the TV mum changes the channel. She doesn’t understand it, nor me. Its like this massive elephant in the room, but neither of us are willing to talk about it. Nor will we ever. I can’t handle talking to her about anything important. We keep it to small talk. I wonder if she ever thinks about starting over again. Me being a new born again. I wonder if she would do anything different. My guess not. I’m sure she cares about me, but she never shows it. I can’t even tell when the last time she said she loves me, or huged me. I have huged my dad more than I have her, and thats saying something. I HATE MY PARENTS.
I wish I were adopted. I really do. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to admit that this is my family. A mother that hardly talks to me, a father that has hurt me in so many ways and an aunt who has made my mum,myself and my sister seem like the wrong ones, when she is the one that decided to marry my sisters father. The only people I love in my family is my sister and my grandparents. Thats it no one else. I wouldn’t care if anything happend to the rest of them. If they all dissapeard i would be a happy person.
Well I guess thats my rant for today.