This is my last attempt at acquiring a home. Tuesday I shall do all I can and see what happens. Otherwise, it is off to a dirty and possibly violent shelter. I have been avoiding these places for those reasons, but now I may have no choice. I will not let anyone in my family know where I am because they (obviously) would not approve. I know because they have told me. If it will help in any way save being beaten (not necessarily inside, but outside). Some of the people there are not so pleasant at all. I feel responsible for all I have done still. Yet, I know my illness has prevented me from doing what I must. As a "normal" person would do. My thoughts and my feelings are so twisted and powerful at times that my decisions are very unhealthy. Even my attempts at remaining healthy have failed (forcing myself to eat). I have managed to put the weight back on now, but too late. The errors have been made and now I must lay in the bed I have made. I do not want to go on like this and at the moment have a mind not to. Although I have taken no action toward it, it is not far off. I think people misunderstand me a lot. I have had successes in the past, but they lately have ended in failure for the past five years or more. The thing is, people’s thoughts may not matter when it comes to personal opinion or successes, but they do matter when you are trying to find a home or a job. Questions like, "How come you were laid off?" or "What did you do during this period of time?" or "What were your greatest accomplishments?" When compared to others, which is what they do, it means very little. I hate my life the way it is and have not the mind to fix it as I have shown. Even with counselling I have not done so well. Although I never really received very much counselling until this last event had already transpired and it was too late. Even if I were to start over again there is doubt in my mind as to how long it will take this time before I fall apart again.

All the people who are helping me think that I am ungrateful. At times it may seem that way because of my desperation, but that is far from true. If anything I need more help because as I have said, my mind is so confused when I am under stress that I make my decisions based on my feelings or my thoughts which are not always coherent. It is not the same as sitting in a doctor’s office where everything is calm and safe. There is not so much stress there. I do not think a few months is enough to fix thirty years of confusion.


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