I want to post something.  I want to write… be it here or on MySpace… I just… I want to say something and I can't. 

I feel like… shit.  Physically, mentally… I just feel crummy. 

But I don't want to talk about that. 

I don't want to talk about how my body feels battered and bruised, and how I can't sleep at night because no matter what I do… there's no getting comfortable.  And once I finally fall asleep, I wake up not wanting to move because as soon as I move off the side I'm used to sleeping on all the air in my lungs just expels… leaving me breathless, gasping for air.

I don't want to talk about how tired I am… not just because of my dark bags under my eyes, especially when the left eye looks swollen like someone just punched me.  But how mentally tired I am.  How I can't remember simple instructions, or remember one small comment that was made not more than ten to fifteen minutes ago.  And how I keep having something I want to say, but it just won't materialize into the simple sentence it was in my mind.  I find myself tripping, stumbling, stuttering over conversation that normally I have no problems with.

I'm wondering if it really is me. 

The people I talk to tell me not to get emotional.  To calm down.  To stop fighting them.  To open up.  To give them pieces of me. 

And when I do… they prove themselves unworthy.  I know sometimes I ask alot from people.  I know I have expectations that are far too high.  I know part of it is me.

But…

Why is it so wrong to get angry?  Why can't I be sad? 

Is it because I hold on to so much that people don't expect me to exhibit these emotions..?  Because I let things slide… because I say, 'I'm fine' or 'No worries…' when things aren't always as good as I am trying to project them to be. 

I bottle things up, and then when I finally show the emotions, specifically the angry ones, I am called out as a vicious bitch…. the sad, melancholy ones, I'm too emotional and a cry baby.

Of course when I finally get angry alot comes with it.  I bite back much harder than I guess I should… and when I cry, it's like waterworks… I'm unable to stop it.  But you know… each time I cry lately… I stop.  I feel the tears coming, my eyes water, my throat closes up… and I stop.  I blink until my eyes dry without a single tear spilling.  I swallow a few times until that lump falls back into the pit of my stomach.  I somehow find the few words I'm supposed to say. 

I want to cry damnit.  I want to bawl my eyes out.  I want to… and for some reason, even now… even so close to being able to… I stop myself. 

I miss him.  We talk every night on the phone… and then Friday comes… and I won't hear from him again until Monday.  And that makes me want to cry. 

Friday nights have always been a night for tears.  I can't remember the last Friday that was some semblence of… normal.  And now, Fridays are worse than they were just a few months ago.  It's not just about worrying about having to go pick up the drinker from the bar… 

It's about telling the guy, who convinced me I should feel more for him, goodbye and how I hope he has a good weekend with his kids and (almost ex) wife…  How I understand he made the right decision for him and his kids.  How I'll be ok even though I don't feel like I will.  How us just being friends is fine with me even though when I said that from the beginning it wasn't fine then for him, and isn't fine now for me. 

Each day that passes as we talk on the phone… after I convinced myself that as long as he was in my life I would be ok… I feel worse.  He is the first person I just… connect with.  And the funny thing is… is that I didn't realize just how big the connection felt until he cut me off for a week when he went home.  And just when I thought I was ok to not talk to him… he was back.  And every day since all I do is wait for those times to talk to him.  To have that contact.  To hear his voice in my hear.  To hear him talk about nothing at all… And each night, I don't want to say goodbye.  I don't want to say goodnight.  I just want five more minutes.  I want to feel like I'm not alone.  And I want to not feel that by talking to him… I'm going to hurt his family, him, or myself. 

He can't leave them again… and I know he won't. 

So what am I still doing?

I'm… so… stupid.  ~smile~  And still… I can't cry.

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