Not exactly sure where to begin my train of thought. Just feel like I need to start writing to get things out of my head, make me feel a little more at ease. It’s been cold and rainy, and even snowing again, and I haven’t been able to go outside and walk like I should be doing. Ever since my therapist told me I needed to get out and walk, I find days when the weather is too poor to get outside to be quite wretched. Walking a few miles takes the energy out of me, calms me down a little all day. Just been pent up now, and I’ve been feeling a little sick, so I haven’t wanted to make the drive to the mall to walk around there. Ah well. I’m beginning to feel a little more at home in my own skin again. Accepting what I am a little more, trying not to let it get to me. Don’t get too down on myself, I’m working on it, it’s all I can do. Getting angry at myself only makes it worse. I still feel awkward with my friends though. They all know about my OCD now, I don’t have to try to hide all of my weird mannerisms. In a way, it’s really nice, because it was always really stressful trying to be mindful and being paranoid that someone was going to catch on to me. Now that it’s out in the open, all of that weight is lifted off of me. …it’s new to them though. They don’t quite get it. Everyone is very understanding and I haven’t had anyone ever get frustrated our resentful about it. But in a way I almost wish it was still a secret. Sure, I can be neurotic around them and not have to worry, but sometimes it makes me feel really stupid. I was just out to see a movie with a good friend the other night, and I went to get a drink out of a vending machine. As per usual I tucked my hand inside my sleeve to press the button, and as per usual I forgot why I hate vending machines. The bottle came out, but was wedged in the door; certainly not a place the sleeve of my jacket could go. I kind of stopped and felt stupid that it was difficult for me to reach into the machine, touch it, and get my bottle. And while my friend is watching me hesitate, he asks if I would like it if he got it out for me. …which wouldn’t have worked for me because then he would have touched my bottle, and I stated as much. So I got it myself, but then had to wipe down my hands, and I felt very frantic about it. I felt stupid and frustrated. So I am wiping my hands off with great fervor, and his response is, “that’s not necessary” …but it is necessary, and that’s the point. If I didn’t feel it so necessary, I wouldn’t do it. He just kind of shrugged at that, and that was that. I don’t know, I just do these things, and they notice and respond accordingly. I know they mean well and aren’t trying to make me feel bad, but I feel bad all the same. Feels like everyone sees me as helpless all of a sudden. And I’m not, I can do things fine, I just get caught up sometimes. …and sure, sometimes I *do* like a little help, or to have someone do something for me cause it would cause me far less stress. …I just don’t need it all the time. Having everything out in the open is just frustrating in it’s own unique way I guess.

1 Comment
  1. predestined 15 years ago

    your not alone i too feel the same as you, lonely and judged

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