I have had four losses this year. One member of my home group, My grandmother, one old highschool friend, and one cherished friend I've known since middleschool.

Each of them have left a mark on my life. A lesson on living.

My home group member showed me that you can have plenty of clean time and still be unhappy about everything going on in your life. She never let go of a good grudge. She never forgave herself. She didn't speak up and ask for help until it was too late to give it. She always seemed to put life off for tomorrow.

My grandmother had been sick for years, but didn't give up. She had a big heart. She wanted everyone in our large family to keep in touch. She pushed everyone to forgive and try and show kindness with each other. There was nothing you could do or say that would make her give up on you. When the time came near she couldn't remember who anyone was so she took to calling everyone precious and telling us she loved us.

My highschool buddy was someone I looked up to. Envied. I was so sure he knew who he was and had complete confidence in himself because he was a nice guy who knew how to make friends easily. When he killed himself I realized that I had been judging him for years because I thought he had it better and easier than I. It never occured to me that some one with so many people close by would feel that alone, even when I knew that feeling myself. 

Then there was Ashley. I just found out yesterday that she passed. What a great loss. She discovered that she had cancer when she was 18. She only ever got angry about it when they screwed up her first surgery and removed a perfectly good ovary. From that point on she fought for everything she could get out of life. She was in college for as long as she could, when she ended up being in the hospital more than out she signed up for online courses and graduated while hospitalized. She got a job as a surgical tech and worked for as long as she could to help others. She passed away at 25 and noone that knew her could say that she didn't get a chance to live. She used every minute of every day to get something out of the time she was given.