well i need to start somewhere & i was told to maybe start writting about my childhood to see why i have so many issues with my parents & etc.so here goes,,,,
as i think back i see that i always have felt like i did not belong anywhere, i could be in a room full of people and still be along. i never fit in, i was always weiord. i had/have adhd so i probley was a bit strange as a child. but my parents never told my other wise. due th the fact they only cared abouy themselves. we were only kids what did we matter.i can remember feeling left out and lonely at grandmas at christmas time even. i remember writting my cousin a letter i must have only been in the 5th grade and i remember just saying things like i wish someone loved me like your parents do you & thnigs like that. 5th grade!!! oh how sad. my parents got divorced geez i must have been 3rd grade. its hard to remember before that. i can only remember bits and pieces. i know i have a real issue with adbandoment, being that my mother was soo darn good at it. leaving us at home every night while she worked. ya next door to our house, but she never came home when she was done, she would stay and get drunk and stay out till 3 or 4 am. that’s scary when your little to be left every nite. i can remember trying to stay awake cuz i was convinced a strange man was gona come in rob us and steal me or what ever. i would try as hard a s i could to keep my eyes open. i alwasy thought i heard something in the hall way or the door being shut real lite. i am just to were now i can go to sleep home alone but i still have these ideas in my head. i still stop to listen. or her and hubby would go out for the entire evening, to dinner and drinking in the next town 30 miles away. leave us there. alone. we would get to eat soup or frozen pizza. they would be out all nite sleep all the next morning till noon. we of course were not allowed to make a sound, might wake up the step-fuck. we tipped toed around him our whole lives. he would go days-weeks without speaking a word to me, weeks. i was a kid. what the heck did i do to him. he came into my life not me to him. i was not to disturb him what soe ever for anything, had to be totoally silent while he was in the room. him amd mom talked real low toned to each other so i could not hear. we were never in there plan. they would vacation every january. go on cruises and things. i can remember her making us stay with people i hardly know. we were outcasted then. being thrown into someone else’s home. they of couse were fine for the first few day but after that having a guest gets old. so of course we were so of ignored and blown off. i have a real issue with clothing thanks to her. i only had a few things to wear. i got cloths 1 time a year, for school. it had to last. i’d hope my feet would grow so i could get a new pair of shoes.
my mother does not know how to talk to me. she always talked like she was bragging and teaching me i guess. she’d be lile, well – i cant write how but i cringe every time i hear her in my head. i have a real issue with the adbandament thing. when my parents divorsed she sent us to live with her parents for 3 years. “while she got her life together” thats when she met that man. they got married before we even got to move with her so when we did it was his house and we were the odd out from the get go!! i remember it being sort of dirty, our bed room was the worse.it had this nasty orange carpet. i remember mice under the sink. i was only a little girl who has had no one ever there for her. me and sister were not that close cuz she for some reason, i dont know. she never seemed to have troubles getting what she needed or wanted. she was sneaky about stuff. she would tell on my all the time. always. i guess she did not have it as bad as me cuz i thought we should stick together not aginst each other. so i guess she made me look even badder then i was. her being all goody goody. my dad parents always treated me like i was the bad kid. i must have done something when i was real little cuz i always felt like everyone asked like i was bad, no men , uncles grandfather nothing ever spoke to me. i felt dirty and out of place sort of. i felt like everyone looked down at me. i know they were so when you have that all your life growning up i believe you start to change. i felt bad and dirty like something was wrong with me. felt looked down upon. i did then start to develop a very low opion of myself early. i sort of seculded my self from other young. if i was along no one would judge me. i have never been #1 in anyones life till my hubby, but i did would be in the back of my head, thinking, whats wrong with him if he likes being with me?
well ill start here tomorrow, i tend to drift around on my writing so i can catch up any time!
chow for now!