Well it’s 2.13 am and I’m meant to be due in for college at 9.30 this morning but yet again I can’t sleep. I soposse the fact I slept all of this afternoon dosen’t help matters but during my psychology class I felt like I could be sick I was that tired. I don’t feel tired right now, yet I do a little in some strange way that I don’t feel I’m thinking straight. I’m lieing here in bed trying to get myself to fall asleep which yet again proves a misson and all I can think about is negative past horrible thoughts coming into my head. I’m just so frustrated and fed up with life. The frustrations worn off a little as I’ve kind of grown accustomed to the fact I’m obviously destined for a shit life. But the anger inside still forces its way up every now and then. Maybe that’s why I’m stuck in this habit of I can never sleep at night so I stay awake all night and then sleep all day when my body finally caves in and my M.E takes over and then I wake up feeling knackered. I just get random thoughts that force their way to the front of my head again and they shouldn’t. Like it just comes into my head the thoughts about friends I’ve lost yet again and thoughts about how now my dreams of ever having a "normal" mum will never be true. My mum has never been the kind of mum I would of ideally wanted. I always felt like the odd one out and the recluse yet again the story of my life because all my friends mums have always seemed to be young and at least have some idea about fashion, boys, clubbing, you know how a average young persons life normally works.. But my mum had to have me at the grand old age of 41 so by the time I started growing up it felt like she was anchient. She was always prim and proper and old fashioned and I hated it. I just wanted a young cool trendy mum like all my friends seemed to have except me. I finally made a friend recently and discovered she had actually also had a "old" mum. She summed it up in one for me when she said that when she was growing up she always felt like she had more of a grandma than a mum. That’s exactly how I’ve always felt and the fact apart from my dad I have fuck all other family has always made me feel isolated and alone. Yep thats right I didn’t even have an at least young minded aunt or nan to turn to instead. There’s absolutely no one. My parents are all I’ve got in the whole world. Now don’t get me wrong I do love my mum and I now she is ill I feel so bad I can’t even explain how much when I think about how much of a bitch I was to her during my teenage years when the anger and depression just bubbled out all over the place. I understand if anyone has actually bothered to read this also I probably sound pathetic and an ungrateful little bitch. I’ve hardly ever wanted for anything and my parents would do basicially anything for me. So how dare I sit here moaning about having an old mum when some people don’t even have parents? And there is so much worse stuff going on in the world. But it’s just now my mum has Motor Neurone Disease and I read the other day that a person can only live for 3 years with it in some cases. And my mum has already had it for 2. So I feel is this my payback for all those years of being such a bitch to her? But then why not make me the sick one, why my mum? My mum is getting worse by the day. Today I found out she will have to go into hospital for a few days because of the sores she keeps getting from not being able to be mobile. At first it was just she had to use a walking stick, then it was she had to go in a wheelchair just for long distances, then she had to go in a wheelchair all the time, then she lost her voice and now she can’t even eat. I just think what next? That’s why I have this feeling its not going to be much longer. I feel sick even writing this and I know how life loves making me tempt fate by saying things and I fucking touch wood this dosen’t but that’s the feeling I’ve just got inside me right now. I’m just so bitter and angry about everything. It’s not my fault I’ve got no family apart from my parents so surely the things I can choose in life such as friends should go right? It just makes me sick how it dosen’t. Something one of my mums carers said has stuck in my mind for weeks. She said "you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends". Well with me I don’t feel thats the case. I’ve tryed so hard to make new friends. Coming from school with none really after being bullied for years makes it hard as most people automatically already have friends they keep from school but with me I didn’t. I think maybe if I get a job I might make friends as that seems to be how most people do. But right now I feel too ill to even get a job. The last thing I feel like doing is getting stressed out over some snotty customer when I’ve got my mum to worry about. But I do need money. And I do need to start regaining some normality. Because I feel like I am going slowly mad. I think its a fact I just refuse to face I’ve fucked up college. I’m not cut out for it. I know I’m a good writer but I just don’t have the strength and motivation to keep up a course but I want so hard to make something of myself. Surely my mum deserves that in her time? I’m just so stuck. All I can do is thank god I’ve got ross, my best friend and gaurdian. Without him I honestly can say hand on heart I feel I would be in a psychiatric ward by now. My dad is so preoccupied with my mum I feel I don’t even have them like I did now. And without them theres no one. Alot of people I know feel the void with a boyfriend. But the most of the time they are not even happy with him really. He’s either really a control freak or complete loser and they just stay with him as not to be alone. I could do that. But I’ve been single for so long now because I choose to be. I’m a complicated character. I wear my heart more on my sleeve because of all my crap but at the same time for the first time in my life I’m beginning to push people away for it too. And I am not going to bring someone into my life when my mums in it if they are not 100% right for me and I know they are going to treat me with the respect and love I deserve. So that’s where I suposse Ross fills that void in a way I guess and I can go so long without a partner. Because me and Ross have everything except the romance. He is like a brother to me. The big brother I call him I always needed but never had. Until now. He looks after me and comforts me. I don’t need sex or romance as part of that. That’s enough for me for now when my head is so fucked up. Just a few girlfriends too would be nice. And girlfriends I could go out with regularly. Not like mine who I only see when either they feel like it or for whatever other reason. It just makes you feel what is there to live for when I have no close girlfriends I know will help me through this if anything happens to my mum. I know I will go off the rails then. I’ll probably need to be sectioned. My mum has always been my back bone and life. I can’t even write about what would happen without her as its too personal and raw to even imagine. All I know is I would be one very sick woman.

 

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