Near the end of last year, I began questioning my sexuality.
I know I like guys, but lately I’ve been wondering and imagining what it would be like to date a girl.
I’ve never dated anyone, except one boy in first grade that kinda ruined my dating life, but that’s a story for another time.
I’ve never had a real relationship, but I’ve had crushes and attractions, yada yada yada you get the point.
Anyway, me and my grandma were watching a film, I don’t remember the name, but it was about two firefighter best friends who marry to save one of their houses or something like that, but then it becomes a huge deal and they realize how much crap and abuse gays have to go through everyday.
I don’t remember the exact conversation, but it lead to me asking her “Do you think there is something wrong with being gay?”
She didn’t respond.
It kinda stung, since I had lately been planning creative ways to come out and say that I might like girls too, like writing a song and making some sort of speech.
Hell, I even told my brother I might like girls, and he was okay with it, which gave me a boost of confidence.
I always thought if I was bi, my grandma would be okay with it, maybe even congratulate me for coming out. She’s never been overbearing or flat out said being gay is wrong.
She’s made some jokes, slightly dark, but my whole family has a darker sense of humor, so I never really thought about it.
Now I’m not so sure. My confidence has kinda been destroyed, I guess. My stomach is twisting and knotting just thinking about it.
I was kinda hoping they would pick up on it, since my voice is kinda deep and I’ve never really liked dresses and makeup.
I remember getting mad at my mom for making me wear a dress to my grandma’s wedding. I still wrestled with the boys even though I was wearing a dress. Most of us girls did, I think.
Still, it hurt when she didn’t answer. I really thought she’d be good, that she wasn’t like all the other people from the 50’s.
I know it’s just the way she was brought up, but still. It fucking hurt.
I hate that I’m fretting over this so much, I have a better chance of being accepted than all the other grandkids would, since I’m her favorite.
That may sound narcissistic, but it’s the sad truth. She doesn’t hide the fact I’m her favorite, she’s even told me a couple times.
I help with all the chores, I sit with her almost all day helping her out, we watch TV together, I talk to her about almost everything. She’s even getting me a cat even though she doesn’t like them.
I basically live with my grandma since I have kinda shitty parents.
She and my aunt are the closest thing to real parents I have.
Which is why I’m not only terrified of being bi, but afraid of losing the little stability I have.
Which is why her lack of comment hurt. I don’t tell her everything, I don’t like confiding in people, I’ve been raised that I should be able to stand on my own, deal with problems myself.
But I’d tell her some things so I’d shed some weight off my shoulders. Only things she’s mentioned and knows about, like stuff with my mom and the way I used to live.
I don’t think I’ll ever tell her, not unless I get a girlfriend and have to tell her.
I’m just so…. Hurt.
I don’t know what to do. I know you’ll people say that someone that makes me feel this way shouldn’t be apart of my life, but I need her.
My grandma is what little support and stability I have.
I can’t lose that.