Well I feel super crappy. I feel like when I just went through a breakup and I feel terrible because I lost something dear and something dreaded just happened, and I feel dead inside. But all that happened was I turned 22. I don't want to get any older. I don't want to get older and have people think of me that way or die old and be remembered as old and sick. I kinda wish this could just be my last year so I can stay young, but at the same time it's the fear of death that makes me so afraid of getting older. 'They say our problems are temporary, but not this one. No matter what, I just die, so I wish I weren't afraid and could just die young. Then I wouldn't worry about all the stress that I have. I think I had a mild anxiety attack last night, and it's only the third one that I remember, so I don't get them often. I wish anxiety attacks could just happen and then I could feel better for a while. I don't know how to cope with all this stress. Any coping method I can think of is wrong to do or is something I just don't have. So I hold everything in. I wish it would just become too much so I'd lose my mind and not be able to think about stress anymore.
I hate how I have to live a life that I never asked for, and then get told how to live it. I don't want to work a crappy job just so I can keep living a life I don't enjoy anyway. I finished school, so I need to find a job, but I can't find anything. With my social anxiety, the thought of interviews and rude customers kinda freaks me out. Anything I would want to do I can't do for some reason. I wish I could just be a writer or a painter or a musician, but that all requires skills that I don't have. It really seems like there is pretty much no way for me to happy.
Seriously. I don't want any of this.