Well I feel super crappy. I feel like when I just went through a breakup and I feel terrible because I lost something dear and something dreaded just happened, and I feel dead inside. But all that happened was I turned 22. I don't want to get any older. I don't want to get older and have people think of me that way or die old and be remembered as old and sick. I kinda wish this could just be my last year so I can stay young, but at the same time it's the fear of death that makes me so afraid of getting older. 'They say our problems are temporary, but not this one. No matter what, I just die, so I wish I weren't afraid and could just die young. Then I wouldn't worry about all the stress that I have. I think I had a mild anxiety attack last night, and it's only the third one that I remember, so I don't get them often. I wish anxiety attacks could just happen and then I could feel better for a while. I don't know how to cope with all this stress. Any coping method I can think of is wrong to do or is something I just don't have. So I hold everything in. I wish it would just become too much so I'd lose my mind and not be able to think about stress anymore.

I hate how I have to live a life that I never asked for, and then get told how to live it. I don't want to work a crappy job just so I can keep living a life I don't enjoy anyway. I finished school, so I need to find a job, but I can't find anything. With my social anxiety, the thought of interviews and rude customers kinda freaks me out. Anything I would want to do I can't do for some reason. I wish I could just be a writer or a painter or a musician, but that all requires skills that I don't have. It really seems like there is pretty much no way for me to happy.

Seriously. I don't want any of this.

1 Comment
  1. xillah 8 years ago

    Hi, Yirah. I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy. I was miserable and lost when I was your age. Honestly, 22 really is a great age to be–but I can't complain about 35. Besides, I'm still 25 in my head and probably always will be. I thought I'd be devistated once I hit my 30s but I found that a lot of the anxiety lifted from my shoulders once I was able to give myself the permission to not care about how people judged me–it was pretty liberating. Not that I'm "cured" of my social anxiety, but my sense of self-deprication has helped me to take myself less seriously and shrug if I find myself doing something foolish/dorky in the presence of others. I don't blame you for not wanting to work with the public. I DESPISE it. *But* it did afford me the opportunity to gain some skills that eventually got me out of retail and into a job I actually like. I'm a high school librarian. Even though my customer service experience helped me get the job (well, and my B.A.), most of the time I'm working alone. Even at a job I *like* there are still things that make me uncomfortable–like being called on to sub a class, having to call a parent to get their correct address (I also do data entry for my school), or doling out the occasional detention. Nothing is perfect. And to top it all off…*drum roll*…I AM a writer. Believe me, it takes more than artistic talent to make it in writing and musical professions. It takes a lot of P.R., balls of steel, and very thick skin–unless being a "writer" just means self-publishing and never selling your books. Like I said, nothing's perfect.

    Maybe you could consider looking for warehouse/backstage work–you'll be dealing with delivery people, managers, and co-workers, but very few (if any) customers. 

    –Anyway, how do you know death is not temporary as well? None of us know. You have lots of time ahead of you. You'll be okay once you find what works for you. Maybe it won't be tomorrow, but it will be. Some things do get better with time. Don't miss it worrying over death. Worry actually ages us more. Let go and be young, no matter how old you are. You'll be okay.

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