Lighting up a cigarette and not feeling overly bad about it. I have been "patched" for the 6 weeks and doing very well not smoking, the weight gain has been horrid. To-day just seems to be a struggle and I am sure it is the Holiday season getting to me.

I am living with my Depression untreated. The only pills I take are for sleep now and in a few months I'll work on getting rid of them.

I have been shopping for a new family doctor, one that will refer me to a therapist and have my depression medications assessed and watched closely. My previous family physician made his third error in judgment that cost me my job in the end. I have since been for a neuro assessment by an independent Doctor, hired by the employment agency I am registered with. I will be getting those results on the 19th and in the talks we had he was astonished at the medications that had previously been prescribed by a family physician and not a registered mental illness therapist. At the very least it gave my thoughts and concerns validation.

The holidays have long been a struggle for me. After losing my son Christmas just stopped being fun. I had worked my issues through and the Christmas' spent with my second husband started to feel joyous again, then he too departed this earth and I found myself in that downward spiral. My mother died on Christmas Eve 4 years ago, Father died in September of last year. This time of year I simply feel lost.

Christmas as a child was filled with acrimony after I was 6, an alcoholic father had a great deal to do with that. I sucked it up in my teens and had friends to enjoy the season with. By the time I was thirty most of them had passed due to driving drunk and over doses, but I had my first husband and our little family. I would bake and decorate, shop and wrap, have friends over for the Solstice and revel in the joy others felt. But times and I changed.

I tried baking yesterday for the first time in 7 years, it was a disaster. I can laugh at it and am.

To-day I will treat myself with kindness, hit the job boards and meditate. I shall avoid the sappy Christmas movies and specials, I shall remember to breath and remind myself I am not alone with my feelings, very many others feel as I do.


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