Me and Brittini had another long talk today. Another painfully honest talk. I feel like everything I say upsets her and that she doubts my love for her. She's beginning to see darker sides of me. Sides that I did warn her about, but she said she could handle it. Then, today, she told me that I scared her. I told her about how I'm always able to predict a break up. I've never been wrong about it, either. Everytime I have predicted one, it always happened that day. I was so scared that I was going to lose her. I acted very unnaturally toward her and she didn't like it. She was getting snappy with me and So, today, I told her about how I had that feeling the other day and I came clean about being upset about her not wanting me to drink. I told her "At least you know the people I'm drinking with. I've never met your crowd before and therefore I can't trust them."
Naturally, she got upset. She told me that, in other words, I didn't trust her. I tried to tell her that I wasn't saying that at all and she just said "Well if you have a problem with me going out, then that's a trust issue. There's no other way to put it."
So, I said "It's not that I don't trust you. It's them I don't trust."
Before I go on, let me just say that there was one important thing that I didn't want to tell her. Eventually, I had to. Why my last engagement ended.
So she tells me "You can trust me baby. You know this."; and I said "Well I trusted Lyssa, too; but that didn't stop her from being raped."
A long silence fell. But now she knows why I feel the way I do. My problem is that I can't always tell how I feel because I'm so used to keeping people out of my life.
I totally just lost my train of thought…. end transmission.