Me and Brittini had another long talk today.  Another painfully honest talk.  I feel like everything I say upsets her and that she doubts my love for her.  She's beginning to see darker sides of me.  Sides that I did warn her about, but she said she could handle it.  Then, today, she told me that I scared her.  I told her about how I'm always able to predict a break up.  I've never been wrong about it, either.  Everytime I have predicted one, it always happened that day.  I was so scared that I was going to lose her.  I acted very unnaturally toward her and she didn't like it.  She was getting snappy with me and So, today, I told her about how I had that feeling the other day and I came clean about being upset about her not wanting me to drink.  I told her "At least you know the people I'm drinking with.  I've never met your crowd before and therefore I can't trust them."

Naturally, she got upset.  She told me that, in other words, I didn't trust her.  I tried to tell her that I wasn't saying that at all and she just said "Well if you have a problem with me going out, then that's a trust issue.  There's no other way to put it." 

So, I said "It's not that I don't trust you.  It's them I don't trust."

Before I go on, let me just say that there was one important thing that I didn't want to tell her.  Eventually, I had to.  Why my last engagement ended.

So she tells me "You can trust me baby.  You know this.";  and I said "Well I trusted Lyssa, too; but that didn't stop her from being raped."

A long silence fell.  But now she knows why I feel the way I do.  My problem is that I can't always tell how I feel because I'm so used to keeping people out of my life. 

I totally just lost my train of thought…. end transmission.



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